Tag Archives: peace

9 months

30 Aug

Today marks 3 MAJOR milestones.  I am 36 weeks pregnant! I am officially 9 months pregnant!  AND, I am in my last week of pregnancy!

I cannot believe that we have made it this far.  It is so surreal.  I have wanted this for so long and I am just amazed that this dream we have had is finally coming true.  Even though I believed that God would keep His promises, it was so hard to see how that would look and when it would ever happen.  I felt weary and afraid for so long.  I no longer feel that heaviness that weighed me down for such a long time.

Right now, I am feeling crazy for a whole new set of reasons, though.

I had a pretty rough weekend.

When I woke up on Friday, I was having what I thought was contractions pretty consistently, but not really painful.  I feel so clueless about what labor feels like because the only time I have experienced labor or anything similar has been during miscarriage.  This was in no way even similar to the pain of what my miscarriage last summer felt like, but I was having tightening and some very mild cramping, so I assumed that it was contractions.  I wasn’t concerned though because I knew that it was normal to have some contractions and not be in labor.  The contractions stopped after a few hours.  I was really sick all day on Friday as well.  I puked everything I ate and just felt really horrible.

Saturday, I woke up to the same feeling of what I thought was contractions.  They weren’t any stronger than the day before and so I wasn’t worried at all either and again it stopped after a few hours.  I had more stomach issues and felt pretty tough again all day.  Also, I lost some of my mucous plug.  That afternoon, I got one of my crazy headaches.  I tried Tylenol.  I tried a cup of coffee.  I tried a bath.  None of my usual tricks worked at all.  So, finally, I just had to put an ice pack on my head and deal with the pain.  The headache finally went away at about 4:30 am and I was able to get a few hours of sleep.

Sunday, the same contractions.  But, on Sunday, I noticed the cramping pains were not really going away.  It was happening off and on throughout the whole day.  Sometime in the afternoon, I realized that baby wasn’t moving near as much as usual.  Up until this point, she has been moving so much and so forcefully that it is at times painful.  On Sunday, I definitely still felt her move and hiccup every so often, but her moves were much less frequent and forceful.  I was trying to be calm and not be concerned.  I did a lot of things to try and get her moving, but she just wasn’t budging much.

As the evening wore on, I was trying so hard to balance being a crazy person and also not being stupid by not calling the Doctor.  Finally, the emotions of it got to me and I broke down bawling.  I hadn’t told my mom or Arturo up until this point.  They both said I should call the Doctor to be safe.  So, I called his office and they said they would page him.  He called me back in less than 5 minutes and told me to go to Labor and Delivery.  I really didn’t want to go, but in the end, I am glad we went.

As soon as we got there and hooked baby up to the monitors…she started moving like crazy and was doing great.  She is such a stinker.  I felt so much better feeling her move again.

I was having some very small contractions every few minutes, but my cervix was closed, so after a little bit of monitoring baby girl and having me chug some water to slow down the contractions, they let me go home.

We had another appointment yesterday morning and had an NST done.  It was our last NST before she will be born.  Everything went well with her.  My blood pressure is staying pretty stable.  We are getting some high readings from time to time, but in general it is staying under the numbers my Dr. wants.  My labs were a little bit elevated from last week, but not enough that he is making me have her now.    Thursday, we will have our last bio-physical profile ultrasound done and get all the final details about the C-section next week.

I am telling her she HAS to stay put over the weekend because my Dr. is going to be gone for Labor Day and I DO NOT want to have one of the other Doctors in his practice deliver her.  I do not trust them.

So, sometime next Tuesday, we will get to meet this girl who we have been longing for and praying for all these years.  I am unbelievably overwhelmed by the reality of that.  Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

 

Advertisements

“you’re a hot mess”

17 Aug

Those were my Doctors words to me on Monday evening, “You’re a hot mess.”  I have been laughing about that ever since then.

Over the weekend, my blood pressure started to rise again.   I was so frustrated because I had several days of normal readings and then on Saturday, boom, it was back to being super high again.  I saw no point in calling the Dr. office because my Dr. was out until Monday and I had an appointment to see him then anyway.  So, I just tried to do as little as possible and relax around the house.

Sunday was my parent’s 35th wedding anniversary!   My dad is still at home in Minnesota so we celebrated here with my mom.  My blood pressure was down that evening and I felt really good, so we went to supper to one of my and Arturo’s favorite restaurants, The Melting Pot.  My mom had never been there and had always wanted to, so it was really fun to take her there and celebrate with her.

Monday was appointment day!  Because they had to squeeze me in on the schedule last minute, I had to see my Dr. first and have the ultrasound after.  Arturo was off work so he got bombarded with all three of us!

I was pretty honest with him about my frustrations and I told him how the other Dr. had told me she didn’t know why I had been at the hospital at the first place.  His eyes got really big and he said, “Um, yeah.  You were there because your blood pressures were super high.”  He also said that things probably were going to remain frustrating and confusing because of the “second patient.”  He was referring to baby girl.

He took a look at my blood pressure readings since I had been released from the hospital and gave me orders to increase my medication one more time.  So, now, I am taking 600 mg in the AM and 400 mg in the PM.

He said it was really hard to make a decision as to what should happen because he really didn’t want to have to put my 34 week old baby in the NICU, but he also didn’t want me to get so sick that I could have a seizure, stroke, or some other pre-eclampsia complication.  He said he would like to see what the results of my ultrasound were for the day and then call and consult with the high risk Dr. before making any decisions.  He asked if he could call me later that day.

He is also somewhat concerned about my weight loss.  I am down 17 lbs and he doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight.  Well, I haven’t been trying to lose weight and I can’t really figure out how I am doing it.  I’m for sure not exercising, unless you count my frequent trips to the bathroom.  And I am eating whatever I want really.  So, I don’t know how to stop losing?

I am so grateful to have a Dr. that is caring and smart and humble.  He doesn’t want to make a rash decision either way and is humble enough to admit that it is a hard decision and he seeks a second opinion when he just doesn’t know what is best.

We went in for the ultrasound after that and of course baby girl was stubborn as always. This time, she wouldn’t wake up.  She was sleeping hard and despite the ultrasound tech shaking my belly around until I was extremely nauseous, she just wouldn’t get moving.  Her heart was beating fine and she did make the movements she was supposed to, it just took much longer than it had on Thursday.  We got some cute pictures of her face that included a look at her chubby cheeks.  I can’t wait to kiss them…but I am happy to wait another 3 weeks (hopefully)!

That evening when he called me is when he told me, “You’re a hot mess.”  It was exactly the comic relief I needed.

He said the ultrasound had looked good.  He also said after consulting with the high risk Dr. they came up with a plan that includes me having a non-stress test and labs every Monday and then an ultrasound (bio-physical profile) and labs on Thursday.  He said we are just going to take it day by day and make decisions based on my health and her health.  So far, she is still doing great, so as long as my pre-eclampsia doesn’t get worse, I should be able to stay pregnant until 37 weeks.

He gave me a list of the things that would make him do the C-section immediately. He can’t increase my bp meds any higher, so if this dose doesn’t solve the problem, I can’t continue to stay pregnant.  If I get a crazy headache that won’t go away with Tylenol or caffeine, I will have to have her.  If I get double vision or dizziness, I need to have my C-section.  If I go into labor, he will take that as my body’s way of saying this baby needs to be born.  He won’t stop my labor, especially since I have already had the steroid shots and that she will be born then.  If anything looks off in my twice weekly testing of labs (higher protein in my urine, elevated liver enzymes, etc.) it will be time to have a baby.  And if she doesn’t perform the way she should at the non-stress tests and ultrasounds or if her fluid levels drop, it will be time for her to be born.

So, in a way, this is going to be a lot like waiting for a natural birth.  We don’t know when it will happen.  It could be any day or it could be a few weeks from now still.  It is definitely not the planned birth I was hoping for, but I am for sure willing to comply with his plans and hope that it will keep her in longer than what I was told a few weeks ago.

My blood pressure has still been high from time to time, but I am not sure the higher dose of medication has had a chance to do its job, so we will see what he says on Thursday (tomorrow).

I have been having what I think are Braxton Hicks contractions. I am just not sure because I never had them when I was pregnant with Angel and so I have nothing to compare them to.  It just feels like tightening in my stomach muscles and a lot of pressure.  It is not painful, but uncomfortable.  Standing is really uncomfortable.  Walking is fine, but standing still is nearly impossible.  I had them pretty consistently all day yesterday, but today it feels better.

Also, she has been SUPER active the past couple of days, which definitely is reassuring, but has also become quite painful.  She is running out of room to be as active as she has been.  I’m thinking she is inspired by all the Olympics I have been watching and is practicing to be a gymnast.

I am telling myself every day, several times a day, that whenever she is born will be the perfect time.  God already knows when she will be born and His plan is perfect.  No matter what happens, He is still in charge and I just need to trust Him.  But…fingers crossed for three more weeks 😉

 

post loss

27 Jul

“I’m not sure we do a woman justice when she endures something brutal and we chalk it up to strength. Sometimes people with no strength at all emerge from a horrifying season. They used all the might they had just to hold on to Jesus. And He was enough. In their weakness, He was strong.” Beth Moore in Children of the Day.

This is how I feel when people tell me I am strong. I know it is meant as a compliment, but the truth is, I feel weak. I feel so weak.

When I was told I was going to miscarry, but before it had started, I called my mom one day and while sobbing I told her that it felt like God was playing a cruel joke on me. I was wondering if His whole purpose for my suffering was for me to be an inspiration to others. I told her through sobs, “I don’t want to be inspiring. I don’t want to be perceived as strong. I just want to be a mom, to have a baby!” 

I am feeling much better about this now, though. In fact, over the past couple of weeks I have been amazed and grateful for the people that have reached out to tell me how my blog and my transparency have spoken to them or someone they know. I know that God has called me to be open and honest about our journey in a way that can sometimes be uncomfortable to write and for people to read. I don’t always understand why He would have me write our story in such a real way and then I get an opportunity to connect with a mom going through something similar and I am beyond grateful.

While I was in the middle of the horrible pain my miscarriage was, I received an email from a mom who just lost a baby in June to sirenemolia. This is one of the conditions that our son Angel had. It is so rare and so hard to find other parents that have gone through a loss so similar. I have exchanged some emails with her and while I don’t know if anything I have said could bring her comfort or the answers she seeks, I am glad that if anything, she knows she is not alone. And as horrible as it is to welcome a mom to the club of infant loss, I am also grateful that she shared her story with me (if that makes sense).

It has been 15 days since my miscarriage started. I have had blood loss every day since Sunday the 12th, with the heaviest day being Monday the 13th. I had horrible, debilitating pain from Wednesday the 15th until Tuesday the 21st.

Currently, I feel human again. I am still bleeding and my abdomen feels very sore. I have been active during the day and very exhausted at night. I have been sleeping 9-11 hours a night. Normally, I am good with 6 hours. That is my main indicator that my body is still healing.

I am on short term disability through work and won’t be going back to work for several more weeks. It is very nice to have this time of healing, but it kind of feels like I am on maternity leave, without the baby.

My mom is here visiting and that has been so nice. She came in on Thursday the 28th and will be here until August 12th. My mom and I are so close and we always have a great time together. I got pretty lucky in the mom department.

Arturo and I have started talking about our next transfer, but haven’t made any definite decisions about when we will do this. I don’t want to be overwhelmed with fear going into it. I know there will be fear, but I don’t want that to be the ONLY thing I am able to feel. I need to feel hopeful before I can be ready to start over. I am praying to feel joy and peace in spite of life’s circumstances.

image

my family

14 Sep

May was a dark month for me, same as last year.  It is a time of so many reminders of what we have lost.  May brings Mother’s Day.  And in 2012, May was the month that we learned of Angel’s diagnosis.

This year in May, I found myself asking God, “Why?  Where is my family?  Why are you taking so long to answer the cries of my heart?”  And, at first, I didn’t hear an answer.  But, this wasn’t because God was ignoring me.  It was because I wasn’t listening to Him.

Over the month of May, I continued to doubt that God was going to fulfill His promises to me.  But, then something changed.  I began to hear Him above the noise in my head and the pain in my heart.

And, His answer was this, “I have given you family.  Your husband is your family.”

I took some time to sit with this and eventually, God’s answer brought me out of the darkness and into a newfound peace.  I never intended to be a wife, but I always planned to be a mother.  Well, from the answer He gave me, I realized more than ever that His ways are better than my ways and that His timing is not my timing.  I could not do life without Arturo walking with me, and God knew that much better than I ever did.

I began to feel at peace with my current family.  That peace does not mean I have given up hope of Arturo and I having more children.  Nor does it mean that I think God has forgotten His promises to us.  It just means that if we never did have any more children, I could still live a perfectly fulfilled and joyful life.  And I fully believe that is what God wants is for me to be filled with joy, love, and peace.

Baby, Are you Coming?

A personal journey in trying for our first baby

My Perfect Breakdown

-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

Maybe Baby...

Our Journey to Parenthood

Infertility: My Journey

A medic's experience

She Patiently Waits

My Journey Through IVF

From zero to zygote

Infertility | Adoption | Random bletherings

Meet the Hopefuls

Building our family through IVF

stitchingafamily

one stitch at a time

A Mourning Mom

living with grief, loss of children

Eccentric Writing

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Life Must Go On

A day in the life of a mommy without her sweet baby...Carter Benjamin

A journey of Life, Loss, Hope and Strength

A journey through the loss of our daughter Isabelle Skye, born 20 weeks too soon and our lives after...Even when we are in darkness we always seek the light...

abide in his love

For in Him I am made new

andsoiwait

My journey through infertility and miscarriage

Journey in the Woods

A woman's journey in the woods of infertility and infant loss.

Stacie Snell

Living life as victorious women through faith in His Name

afathershopeblog.wordpress.com/

Bringing encouragement to those who have lost a child