Tag Archives: marriage

9 months

30 Aug

Today marks 3 MAJOR milestones.  I am 36 weeks pregnant! I am officially 9 months pregnant!  AND, I am in my last week of pregnancy!

I cannot believe that we have made it this far.  It is so surreal.  I have wanted this for so long and I am just amazed that this dream we have had is finally coming true.  Even though I believed that God would keep His promises, it was so hard to see how that would look and when it would ever happen.  I felt weary and afraid for so long.  I no longer feel that heaviness that weighed me down for such a long time.

Right now, I am feeling crazy for a whole new set of reasons, though.

I had a pretty rough weekend.

When I woke up on Friday, I was having what I thought was contractions pretty consistently, but not really painful.  I feel so clueless about what labor feels like because the only time I have experienced labor or anything similar has been during miscarriage.  This was in no way even similar to the pain of what my miscarriage last summer felt like, but I was having tightening and some very mild cramping, so I assumed that it was contractions.  I wasn’t concerned though because I knew that it was normal to have some contractions and not be in labor.  The contractions stopped after a few hours.  I was really sick all day on Friday as well.  I puked everything I ate and just felt really horrible.

Saturday, I woke up to the same feeling of what I thought was contractions.  They weren’t any stronger than the day before and so I wasn’t worried at all either and again it stopped after a few hours.  I had more stomach issues and felt pretty tough again all day.  Also, I lost some of my mucous plug.  That afternoon, I got one of my crazy headaches.  I tried Tylenol.  I tried a cup of coffee.  I tried a bath.  None of my usual tricks worked at all.  So, finally, I just had to put an ice pack on my head and deal with the pain.  The headache finally went away at about 4:30 am and I was able to get a few hours of sleep.

Sunday, the same contractions.  But, on Sunday, I noticed the cramping pains were not really going away.  It was happening off and on throughout the whole day.  Sometime in the afternoon, I realized that baby wasn’t moving near as much as usual.  Up until this point, she has been moving so much and so forcefully that it is at times painful.  On Sunday, I definitely still felt her move and hiccup every so often, but her moves were much less frequent and forceful.  I was trying to be calm and not be concerned.  I did a lot of things to try and get her moving, but she just wasn’t budging much.

As the evening wore on, I was trying so hard to balance being a crazy person and also not being stupid by not calling the Doctor.  Finally, the emotions of it got to me and I broke down bawling.  I hadn’t told my mom or Arturo up until this point.  They both said I should call the Doctor to be safe.  So, I called his office and they said they would page him.  He called me back in less than 5 minutes and told me to go to Labor and Delivery.  I really didn’t want to go, but in the end, I am glad we went.

As soon as we got there and hooked baby up to the monitors…she started moving like crazy and was doing great.  She is such a stinker.  I felt so much better feeling her move again.

I was having some very small contractions every few minutes, but my cervix was closed, so after a little bit of monitoring baby girl and having me chug some water to slow down the contractions, they let me go home.

We had another appointment yesterday morning and had an NST done.  It was our last NST before she will be born.  Everything went well with her.  My blood pressure is staying pretty stable.  We are getting some high readings from time to time, but in general it is staying under the numbers my Dr. wants.  My labs were a little bit elevated from last week, but not enough that he is making me have her now.    Thursday, we will have our last bio-physical profile ultrasound done and get all the final details about the C-section next week.

I am telling her she HAS to stay put over the weekend because my Dr. is going to be gone for Labor Day and I DO NOT want to have one of the other Doctors in his practice deliver her.  I do not trust them.

So, sometime next Tuesday, we will get to meet this girl who we have been longing for and praying for all these years.  I am unbelievably overwhelmed by the reality of that.  Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.



4 years and counting

23 Mar

For those that don’t know me, I like to be in control of my life and everything in it. I struggle very much with giving up control. I need to have a plan of attack and be able to see what the outcome will be in every situation.

That is what I thought marriage would look like. Funny,  right? Well, I honestly thought that I knew exactly what our marriage would be like and that I would be able to control every aspect of it.

Now, four years in, I realize how glad I am that I was wrong. God’s plan for our marriage has been ten times better than mine and could have ever been.

If I had been in control, we would have had at least two kids by now. We probably would still be living in South Dakota. And, I probably wouldn’t have gotten  to spend as much time getting to know Arturo. We have had an amazing four years together, just us two. And I love him now so much more than I ever thought possible. We have been through the fire together and we came out alive. There were days when I wouldn’t have survived without his support. I would have given up.

I am so glad that God is smarter than me. I think that is the biggest lesson I have learned from my marriage. I  will try not to forget it.


worthy of love

20 Jun

I have thought it quite ironic that my name, Amanda, means “worthy of love.”  For most of my life, I have struggled with feeling loved and completely unworthy of love.  I do not know what to say the root cause of this is.  My parents were extremely loving and affectionate.  I do not think a single day went by in my childhood where I didn’t hear “I love you,” or receive hugs and kisses from my parents.  We were also introduced to the love of Jesus.  My parents read Bible stories to us, did devotionals with us, taught us to pray, took us to Sunday school and church, sent us to Bible camps in the summer.  In this type of environment, a child should thrive well into adulthood.  For some reason, I didn’t.  Because I felt unlovable, I chose to surround myself with people who affirmed this feeling for me.  The last man I dated before my husband confirmed all my worst fears.  I had shared some of my past with him and he was never shy to tell me that he nor anyone else could ever love me because of my past and surely noone would ever marry me.  Damaged.  I was damaged goods.

I had known my husband for several years through church and our families being friends.  I never thought him a possibility for a boyfriend or a husband.  He was younger than me, so I had never considered him.  After several years of knowing him, we started to form a friendship.  We shared common interests and enjoyed spending time together.  At first, that was all it was.  He was my friend.  I was able to confide in him.  He knew a lot of my past without me being afraid to share it with him because I never thought I would be romantically involved with him.  It was a beautiful friendship.  But, God had other plans.

When I started to have feelings for him, I fought them.   In fact, I prayed that God would make the feelings go away.  The more I prayed to feel nothing for him, the more I felt.  So, instead I began to pray that I would never act on my feelings, that I would wait for confirmation from him that he shared my feelings.  Over the years, I had confused friendship and love many times.  If a man was kind to me, I assummed there was romance in his mind and made a mess of several friendships.  I did not want this to happen with Arturo.   As terrified as I was, I felt that he was going to be my husband and I would just have to be patient and wait on God.

As I waited, our friendship grew stronger.  It grew to a point where I knew I could be satisfied if that was all it ever was.  We had a lot of fun together.  I could be myself with him and never felt judged.  I grew afraid to find out if this would change if we ever began to date.  I didn’t feel like I deserved him in my life and I was also worried what people would say about me dating a man seven years younger than me.  So, our friendship continued.

In May of 2010, Arturo told me that he had feelings for me.  I was stunned.  Sure, over the years he had flirted with me and at times had me completely confused about whether he was interested in me or not, but I just never believed that he actually cared for me like I cared for him.  I of course, told him of the feelings I had for him and from that night on, our friendship changed.

Arturo was very patient and loving to me in the first several months of our relationship.  I was toting along some heave baggage and he was determined to help me leave it behind.  He told me that he wanted me to forget all the pain of my past and only look to the future with him.  This terrified me.  I was sure that he would break my heart and I was not shy to tell him that.  I don’t know how we made it through those first months, but somewhere along the way, I began to trust him and believe the words he said to me were more than words.  I put him through a lot and he continued to love me despite all my fears and hang-ups.  I knew that I wanted to be with Arturo, that he was the man I was supposed to be with, but when it actually happenned, I was full of so much fear.  I had convinced myself that nothing good could happen to me, that I screwed up all things good in my life.  So, it seemed easier to end things fast before I got my heart anymore invested than it already was.  I tried to push him away several times and if he had let me, I would probably still be miserable and afraid and holding onto my past.

In February of 2011, he asked me to be his wife.  Again, I had wanted this, knew it was supposed to happen, but I wasn’t sure when he asked me.  For so long I believed that I would be alone, that noone would ever love me and certainly noone would ever marry me.  Now, the lies that I had believed for so long were being destroyed by the Truth.  God did intend good things for me.  He wanted to show me that not only did He love me, but this man loved me and we were to spend our lives together.  We were married in March 2011.  I didn’t care about a big fancy wedding, I just wanted to marry the man I love.  We had 30 people at our ceremony, almsot all of them being family.  It was the most beautiful day of God fulfilling His promises to me.

In April 2011, after being married for less than a month, we decided it was time to try and have a baby.  So, the journey begins.

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