Tag Archives: infant los

the end

29 Dec

One year ago today, I started injections in preparation for our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Today, I am writing this as one of those embryos is now a 17 week old baby girl snuggling me while she naps. I went into the transfer so afraid of what the results would be, so afraid of more loss. And there was loss. We started with 2 babies and ended up with 1. But there is no way to explain how much healing has taken place in me as a result of being Amor’s mama. 

All the loss leading up to the birth of my daughter will never be forgotten, but the grief is so much different now. I am not consumed by sadness and longing. I am not afraid to face the future and questioning God’s plan. I am not childless. 

Along the road to become parents, I often said that if God would just reveal His plan to me, I would be ok with it. I just needed to know how long I would be waiting for a baby and how that baby would come. 

When Amor was born, Arturo and I had been married 5 1/2 years. I realize now, if someone had told me how hard our journey would be, I never would have married him. I would have been too afraid to face the struggle and endure the pain. Amor’s birth has taught me so much about trusting God’s perfect plan. 

Being Angel’s mama has taught me so much about how to be a mother to Amor. I am not a perfect mom by any means. But I am 100% more patient and grateful than I ever would have been without loss. My life is forever marked by loss and I am ok with that because I know it has a purpose. 

There have been some obvious adjustments in our family but there is one I wasn’t prepared for. I am the type of wife that a lot of my friends tell me I am too good to my husband. I love to take care of him. It gives me so much pleasure to do everything I can for him. But, as I have been sleep deprived and taking care of a tiny human who can’t do for herself, I have not been able to give as much to Arturo. I grieved this for a few weeks until I realized that he is never going to complain about me being a mom to our daughter. I married so well y’all. I really did. 

I don’t know what our future holds for more children. I do know that God has promised I will be mother to many. But, just as I didn’t know what the journey held in the 5 1/2 years we waited for Amor, I don’t know what the future holds beyond this point. When I look at Amor and think that she may be the only biological child we have, it does make me a little sad. 

Before my embryo transfer last January, I said that if we didn’t have 2 frozen embryos already, I would be done. I would not do another round of IVF. Since Amor has been born, I have been trying to figure out the best way to rob a bank or armored car so we can afford to do IVF again in the future. Literally, before she was even 24 hours old, I was having these thoughts. Holding her in my arms made IVF worth it.

You may have noticed the title of this post, “the end.” I know this isn’t the end of our story, but it feels like an end to this blog. In the same way I didn’t know what these last 5 1/2 years of marriage would look like, I also had no idea what this blog would become when I started it 4 1/2 years ago. I started it for two reasons. 

One, it was the easiest way for me to communicate with people about Angel’s life. I had so many concerned family and friends and this way, I could update everyone at once and I didn’t have to face anyone while I did it. I can’t tell you how many times I sobbed as I pounded on my keyboard and I could do this in privacy and didn’t have to overwhelm anyone with my emotions.

Which brings me to the second reason I started this blog. Writing is extremely therapeutic for me. I knew it would be the best way for me to process my emotions and find some healing.

What I didn’t know when I started this blog, is how Angel’s life would touch so many people. I didn’t know that I would make so many new friends, people who have encouraged me and prayed for us since the beginning of our story with Angel. I didn’t know Angel’s life would continue to impact people even now. 

Just last week, I received communication from a friend who told me that when she was up at 3 am trying to get her baby to sleep, she remembered a post I wrote about longing to hold my baby and it helped her to appreciate the time with hers. Her message was a great reminder for me as I am now dealing with a baby who doesn’t want to sleep at night. I never got these moments with Angel and it can be easy to get frustrated when I am so tired. But I want to instead feel grateful as I know these moments will be gone will too soon.

So, thank you all for following our journey and loving us through it. We can never thank you enough. 

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third trimester!

9 Jul

July 5th marked the beginning of my third trimester.  I couldn’t be happier to be getting closer to meeting my daughter, but it still seems so far away!  Come ooooooon September!!

Me at 26 weeks in Minnesota!

Since I last wrote, I have made two more trips to labor and delivery, had another ultrasound, and done my glucose tolerance test.  My blood pressure is still pretty high, but as long as it stays around 150/100 I feel ok.  When it gets higher than that is when I can really feel the effects.

One really great thing that has happened was I was able to make a trip to see family and friends.  I flew to Minnesota to my parent’s house on June 20th.  After a few days there, we drove to North Dakota where I was able to see more friends and lots of family.  As much as I love Colorado, I will always be a North Dakota girl at heart and I love going there.  I wish I had more opportunities to see all my family there and this was a great chance to see a lot of them at one time.

While in North Dakota, my cousin and aunt threw me a baby shower.  When I first learned that they were going to do this, I was so emotional.  This is my 4th pregnancy and my first baby shower. There has never been a reason to have one before now.  It was a really beautiful shower and I feel so blessed by all the friends and family that came.  Some of them traveled many hours to be there and that just overwhelms me.

After a few days in North Dakota, we drove back to Minnesota and I spent a few more days there before flying home on June 28th.  The day before I left, I was able to meet my newest niece who lives about an hour from my parent’s house.  She is, of course, adorable, and I look forward to the next time I get to see her!

On the 30th, I went to the lab and took my glucose tolerance test.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the drink was not that horrible orange stuff, but fruit punch flavored instead. It wasn’t bad at all and the best part is, I passed the test!  No Gestational Diabetes for this girl!

That weekend, Arturo was off work and I really wanted to spend the whole weekend working on projects in the nursery and around the house.  Baby will be here before we know it and I know that after she is here, nothing will get done on my “honey-do list.”  I helped Arturo sand wood for the changing table we are making and we also made a trip to Lowe’s for a few supplies we needed.  When we got home from the store, I was absolutely exhausted.  I had to sit down and rest.  My head was really pounding as well.  When I took my blood pressure that evening it was around 160/115 and I was pretty certain that was why I felt so horrible.

Sunday morning, I woke up with my pulse pounding in my ear and my head hurt so bad it felt like it would explode.  I took my blood pressure a few times and I was getting super high readings.  At one point the top number was over 2oo.  So, I called my Dr.’s office and they paged the on call Dr., who was the same Dr. that had me go to labor and delivery the last time.  She called me back in about 10 minutes and told me to head in again to be checked.

It was the same routine as the last time.  They put me on the monitors to check her heartbeat and make sure I was not having any contractions.  Also, they checked my urine for protein and took labs.  I was not having any contractions.  She was being very stubborn and would not stay on the monitors so the nurse had to stand there and chase her around with the Doppler for almost a half an hour until they had a good reading of her heart.

They sent lab in to take my blood and by the end of that I was so mad.  The first guy that came in asked me if they had started my IV.  I said I didn’t think they were planning to and he said he would go check to make sure.  I got kind of nervous because of how hard it is to start an IV on me.  He came back and said that they weren’t going to and I told him that was good because of how hard of a stick I am.  I shouldn’t have said that because it made him get cocky.  It was though I could hear him thinking, “NOTHING IS TOO HARD FOR ME!  I’M A PHLEBOTOMIST!”

I showed him the two best veins to try, but since he was so much smarter than me, he decided to try some place completely different.  Guess what?  He missed.  So, then he started looking at my hand.  I asked him to please only use my hand as a last resort.  I again showed him the two veins that were the best to use.  He moved away from my hand and again ignored my advice and tried a completely different spot.  AND…he missed again.  After that, he said he would really like to try my hand cause he saw some good veins and was certain he could get in the vein there.  So, I surrendered and let him try.  Another mistake on my part.  He not only missed, but he decided to dig around in there and aggravate me further.  That was his last try.

He said he would send someone else in.  So, when the next lady came in, I again showed her the two best veins to try, but she decided to try instead in one of the places the first guy had tried and missed.  I told her he had just tried that vein and missed but she thought she was better than him so she tried anyway.  Guess what?  She missed.  I got a little snotty with her at that point.  So, she didn’t try again.

The third guy, before I could say anything asked me, “Where do they usually get blood from you?”  I pointed to my two best veins and he tried one of them.  Guess what?  He got it!  I praised him thoroughly and wrote his name down so that when I am back, I can request him.  I so appreciate medical personnel who LISTEN.

My blood pressure was up and down while we were there.  The highest reading was 154/108, but by the time we left it was down to normal readings.  We were there about 3 hours and they let me go home once they had established that all my labs were not showing any signs of preeclampsia.

I felt pretty good the next few days.  My blood pressure was still around 150/100, but that is somehow tolerable for me.

On Wednesday, I started having some Braxton Hicks early in the day.  They weren’t super strong or regular so I wasn’t concerned at all.  That evening, I was at Bible study and I had a pretty strong one, well, much stronger than any I had up to that point.  It passed fairly quickly and so I didn’t think too much of it.  Then, I noticed another one….and another one.  I looked at the clock and realized it had only been a few minutes since the last one.  I decided to watch the clock and they were coming pretty frequently, ever 3-5 minutes.  I thought this was probably not normal, but didn’t know how concerning it was.  After about 45 minutes, I decided to step out and call my Dr.’s office to see what they thought.

The on call Dr. returned my call within a few minutes and told me to go get checked out at labor and delivery, but it was most likely from dehydration.  I was pretty scared.  I mean, I knew they wouldn’t let me have her at 28 weeks, but I just felt so frustrated that this pregnancy has been so hard.

They checked my cervix right away and took a few swabs to see if I had any kind of an infection that could be causing the contractions.  My cervix was long and not dilated at all, so that was of course good news.  My blood pressure was high, but not too bad.  Her heart was beating great and she was much more cooperative with the monitor.  I was having some small contractions, but the longer we were there, the less frequent they were and they were getting weaker not stronger.  I did not have any kind of an infection and since my contractions were slowing down, they let us go home.  This time, the instructions from the Dr. said I should be taking “frequent periods of rest.”  I thought about my day that day and realized I had hardly eaten anything all day and probably hadn’t drank as much water as I normally do, so that was probably the cause.

The next day, we had our follow-up ultrasound with the specialist to see if they could get a better view of her heart.  Even though we had a similar experience this time with the same rude ultrasound tech, I felt more prepared to deal with her since I knew what to expect.  She was again, very cold and sterile and ignored any questions that I asked.  At the end, she told us that she was weighing 2 lbs 12 oz and that her heart looked good.  She said she still wasn’t getting all the views she needed, but didn’t think there was any reason to be concerned.  She said, “Baby’s not showing her face today.”  Well, it didn’t seem like she even attempted to get a view of her face or profile.  So, that was disappointing.

The Dr. came in and as much as I don’t like her tech, I really do like her. She is very sweet and caring.  She said that with the issues I have been having,  I should be doing more bed rest and avoiding salt.  She said I should probably prepare myself for a c-section at 37 weeks if my blood pressure stays this high.  She also wants us to come back for another ultrasound at 32 weeks. She said she would like to check on things one more time because if I did have to deliver earlier than 37 weeks, that they would have me do it there instead of here with my ob.

After that appointment, we had a lot of fun.  We went to Target to spend the gift card money we got from our shower.  It was their baby sale, so not only did we get a bunch of stuff we are needing, but we left with another $60 in gift cards!  Woohoo!

I finally realized yesterday, that I need to give up some control and do some more resting than I have been.  Arturo and I spent the whole day running errands (bank, Post Office, pharmacy, grocery store.)  By the time we got home, I was absolutely exhausted.  I let Arturo unload the groceries, put them away, and make supper.  I should have let him run the errands by himself.  He’s capable. I just am such a control freak.  We will both be happier if I let him do some of these things and get a little more rest.  I’m gonna try.

I admit that I am still having a hard time enjoying this pregnancy.  I am trying so hard to not overreact to every little thing, but it is so hard.  I am just so anxious to have her here and to be done with this stress.  I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and I hate that.  I am trying to take it one day at a time and to focus on the things to come that I have to look forward to and keep my mind busy that way.

On the 14th, I have a check-up with my ob.  On the 18th, we are taking a breastfeeding class.  On the 19th, my mom is coming to visit for a week. On the 23rd, I have another baby shower here in Colorado.  On August 4th, I have another ultrasound.  So, yeah, there is a lot to look forward to!

I’m resting today and it has been hard.  I am really wanting to go and stain the changing table we built, but I will wait for Arturo to be able to do that.  He’s capable.

Thanks again for all the support and prayers.  I am so grateful for everyone’s kind words, and I don’t know how I would be surviving without all of you!!

 

 

anatomy scan

2 Jun

Well, this is the post I have been waiting to write for 4 years.¬† We had our anatomy scan yesterday, and Frijole is looking healthy ūüôā¬† But, first let me back up and tell you a few other things that have happened since I last wrote.

The last time I posted about the pregnancy, I was 17 weeks and had just had an appointment.¬† Everything was great then and we were just anxiously waiting for our anatomy scan to be scheduled.¬† We had to wait for the specialist’s office to call to schedule it.¬† My ob said he would like us to have it between 21 and 26 weeks, and I was really hoping for it to be sooner rather than later.¬† So, when they called to schedule it and said the soonest they could get us in was June 1st, which would put me at 23 weeks, I had no idea how I would be able to wait that long.

When Arturo came home from work that day and I told him the news, he said we should schedule an elective ultrasound.  I had been wanting to go for one but up to that point, had not been able to convince him it was worth it to spend the money.  I was so overjoyed that he was willing to now!

So, the next week, when I was 18 weeks, we went for the ultrasound.¬† I was feeling a little anxious in the days before the scan. It was at 18 weeks when we were told our son did not have any kidneys and would not be able to survive outside of the womb.¬† The main focus of the elective ultrasound is for them to be able to tell you the gender of your baby, but I knew that if Frijole didn’t have any kidneys, I would know what that looks like immediately.¬† There would not be any amniotic fluid and everything would look grey.¬† That was what I would be looking for.

When we arrived, she asked us if we were hoping for a boy or a girl.¬† We both said we were hoping for a healthy baby, but we were pretty sure that this baby was a girl.¬† The tech said, “Come on.¬† What are you really hoping for?”¬† I told her that I know a lot of people say that they just want a healthy baby, but that we REALLY meant that.¬† I told her about Angel and she then understood.

The ultrasound was amazing.¬† As soon as it began, I could see Frijole surrounded by fluid and I felt so calm and relaxed.¬† I knew Baby’s kidneys were working and was convinced FINALLY that this was a different pregnancy, a different baby.¬† The best part of the ultrasound was watching Arturo’s face light up.¬† It was a 3d/4d scan so the images were so clear and we saw so much more than what you can see on a scan at the Doctor’s office in 2d.¬† Frijole had both hands going and it really looked like Baby was waving at us with both hands.¬† It was unreal.¬† And, we found out we have a daughter on the way!

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I have felt desperate to know if Frijole was a boy or a girl and not for the reason most moms want to know.¬† We didn’t know Angel’s gender until his autopsy was complete and so to know this baby’s gender is another indication that she is healthy!

I have been so much more calm and relaxed since going for that ultrasound and we have both said numerous times how glad we are that we spent the money to do it.

I have been feeling pretty good, just normal pregnancy stuff that I have managed to find ways to cope with.¬† My back has been pretty sore and so I have been going to the Chiropractor for adjustments every 2-3 weeks and using the heating pad off and on at home.¬† My hips have also been sore, but sleeping with a pillow between my knees has been helping that some.¬† I am still pretty constipated, but taking Metamucil every morning and stool softeners every evening is making a difference.¬† My cravings have included every single commercial I see including food and every single Facebook post including food.¬† So far, I have been able to fulfill them all until this week when a recipe for lefse came up in my news feed.¬† I can’t get lefse here in Colorado.¬† I am hoping to find some when I travel back north at the end of the month.¬† Weirdly, my morning sickness resurfaced last week. I hadn’t had any for weeks and now all of a sudden, I am puking again.¬† So, that is weird.¬† I am 6 pounds lighter than I was pre-pregnancy, but I had plenty of extra weight, so no biggie.

Arturo and I took a “babymoon” to Vegas when I was 20 weeks.¬† We own a timeshare with points, so our out of pocket expense was basically nothing except for meals while we were there.¬† It was a stretch to take the trip since we have been struggling financially but we knew that we should make it a priority since money will be even tighter after our daughter is born and we probably won’t take a vacation just us two for years.¬† We had a really great, relaxing trip.¬† We took in a couple of shows, ate some good food, but spent most of our time relaxing by the pool at our resort.¬† We even took advantage of the grocery store nearby and the grills at the resort.¬† The best meal we had in Vegas were steaks that Arturo grilled.

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We had 2 nieces born in May which is really exciting!¬† Arturo’s sister had a baby on May 5th and my brother and his wife had a baby on May 26th.¬† I can’t wait to meet both of them!¬† I love being an aunt and how fun it will be for our daughter to have cousins so close to her age!

So, now, on to our day yesterday.

I had always pictured a healthy anatomy scan to go much differently than how it went yesterday.  I am even more grateful that we had done the elective ultrasound so that I knew my worst fears were not true this time.

After checking in at the hospital and waiting for a few minutes, a nurse took us back to an exam room where she weighed me and took my vitals.¬† She asked us a few questions and told us that we would be first meeting with a genetic counselor and then having the ultrasound.¬† This seemed backwards to me.¬† Why would we need to speak with a genetic counselor BEFORE the ultrasound?¬† My stress was evident in my blood pressure reading of 150/90.¬† This is pretty high and caused the nurse to be concerned.¬† I had high blood pressure while pregnant with Angel that caused me to be hospitalized for a few days.¬† It was even higher then, though.¬† I don’t remember the numbers, they just kept telling me it was “stroke level.”¬† So, I am hoping this isn’t the start of that.

The nurse took us into the counselor’s office which turned into one of the most stressful encounters I have had with any medical professional.¬† She wanted to discuss all of our family’s medical histories, which is empty on Arturo’s side, so she focused on my family history instead.¬† How fun!¬† She wanted to know about cancer, diabetes, pregnancy problems, mental illness, etc.¬† She told us all the chances of me getting these same illnesses and our daughter getting them as well.¬† She even went as far as to tell me that since my paternal grandmother had breast cancer, my chances double to getting it myself.¬† So, why are we talking about that right now?!?¬† I finally quit telling her about the medical history in my family.¬† When she asked questions, I just kept saying no.¬† It wasn’t worth the discussion.

Then, she wanted to tell us about all the additional risk factors our baby faces since we conceived through IVF and ICSI (the method in which they fertilized my eggs by injecting them with Arturo’s sperm instead of just putting them together).¬† IVF gives our daughter increased risk of having Down’s Syndrome and ICSI gives her increased risk of having a sex chromosome issue.¬† Neat.¬† Thanks for the info.

Then, of course, we had to discuss my age and weight, which are additional risk factors.

She also wanted to discuss Angel’s conditions and give her opinions about what could have caused his problems.¬† She said that in a lot of cases like his, it is caused because the mother had gestational diabetes.¬† Well, guess¬† what?¬† I didn’t, so try again.

What was most annoying about our consultation with her is that it’s not like she was telling us anything we didn’t know.¬† I know how old I am.¬† I know that I am overweight.¬† I know the risks of doing IVF.¬† I know about all my family’s health history and that myself and my child will possibly face some of those same illnesses and diseases.¬† I know about Angel’s conditions and I already know there is a small chance these could reoccur in our future children.¬† So, why are we talking about this now?¬† We aren’t trying to breed Superman.¬† We just want a child to raise on this earth.

She offered us amniocentesis if the scan noted any issues.¬† I told her again, that we only wanted to know if our baby had any fatal conditions.¬† We didn’t need to know about anything that might be life altering.¬† We would deal with that if we had to.

So, after that fun discussion, she sent back to the waiting room until the ultrasound.  We waited about 20 minutes to be called back this time.

Now, I understand that an ultrasound is a medical procedure and whoever is doing the scan is looking for very specific things, taking measurements, and getting the necessary pictures.¬† But, what I have always wondered is why do the techs always seem so sterile?¬† She hardly spoke at all.¬† She didn’t tell us what she was looking at and if things looked good or not.¬† Baby girl wasn’t moving much so that made the scan a little bit more difficult.¬† She wouldn’t get in the position the tech wanted her in to fully see her heart.¬† She had me go empty my bladder after about 20 minutes hoping that would give baby girl some more room to move around.¬† She started moving a little bit more, but she still couldn’t get all the necessary pictures of her heart.¬† She finally did tell us that everything else looked great.¬† She definitely has two functioning kidneys, her legs are separate, and her umbilical cord has 3 vessels.¬† Those were the 3 things that I was concerned about because of Angel’s conditions.¬† Angel had no kidneys, his legs were connected, and he only had a 2 vessel cord.¬† Oh, and of couse, the genetalia were present again on this ultrasound and she is definitely a girl!¬† She also said her brain looks good, she has no signs of cleft palate, and all of her organs looked good.¬† She has plenty of amniotic fluid as well.¬† So, things look good.¬† She said the structure of her heart appears to all be there, but she can’t see if there is a hole in her heart or not.¬† She said that there is no reason to think she does, but she just can’t tell.

The Dr. came in a few minutes later to go over what the tech had just told us and give us some more annoying information.  She said that there is an increased risk of heart defects with IVF and that she wanted us to come back in 4-6 weeks for a closer look at her heart when she is bigger and it will be easier to see.  So, obviously that could be a little concerning, but I am going to do my best to not let it stress me out.  At least it is an opportunity to see her again.  She was also concerned about me possibly having gestational diabetes, again because of my weight, and wants to make sure my ob checks me for that ASAP.

When the Dr. left the room, the tech said she had forgot to look at my ovaries and was going to do that quickly.¬† By this point, baby girl was moving like crazy and so after confirming that my ovaries are OK, she took another quick peak at her heart and she said, “I wouldn’t be concerned.¬† Everything looks good to me.”¬† So, that is what I am going to keep at the front of my mind.

Before we left, the nurse came in and took by blood pressure again and it was 114/80, so much better!

We see our ob here in town on Monday and we are scheduled for a repeat scan with the specialist’s office on July 7th.

Every night I pray that God will keep our daughter healthy and that she will outlive me.  And, my new mantra is that I am too blessed to be stressed!

 

my messy mind

10 Dec

So, it has been quite a few months since I have written anything.¬† The truth is, I have been a mess of emotions that I haven’t known how to express and I just couldn’t put words to paper.¬† That is a really horrible place for me.¬† Usually, writing is my best outlet and when I can’t find words to express myself, it just feels really icky.

I’m in this place where my emotions feel completely out of my control.¬† I don’t like what I’m feeling and¬†I don’t want to be feeling it.¬†¬† I’m hoping to process through it and move into a better head space soon.

My body has been ready to do another transfer since September, but my brain has definitely NOT been ready.  I reasoned that once I made it through the month of September I would feel better and feel good about making plans for another transfer.

Wrong.

In October, I contacted the Dr. office when I started my cycle and they started talking about a November transfer.  I got a little bit panicky and told them I would like to wait until January.

I thought that trying around the holidays would be hard.¬† What if the transfer didn’t stick and I had to face all my family at Christmas?¬† I was afraid I would be too depressed and really didn’t want that to be the case.

And I justified it all in my mind with the fact that we are out of FSA money for 2015 and in January, we will have access to those funds again.  The transfer costs us about $500 out of pocket and so  I decided that financially it would make more sense to wait until then.

I think Arturo would have liked to begin the process sooner, but he has been really patient with me and didn’t try to push me to proceed sooner.

So, I decided January would be the month and I was just CERTAIN that I would feel 100% better by then.

Here’s the ugly truth about how I am feeling.

I don’t want to be pregnant.¬† I still want a baby.¬† I want a baby very badly.¬† I just DO NOT want to go through any of what it takes to get there.¬† It is so hard and I am so scared.¬† I feel crippled by this fear.¬† I find myself crying and panicking almost every time I think about the upcoming transfer.¬† If we didn’t have frozen embryos waiting for us, I would be done.¬† I have no desire to “try” again.¬† But, I can’t abandon my babies.

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I am dreading starting Progesterone shots again.¬† I think I am building it up in my mind to be a lot worse than it actually is, but I am definitely not excited about them.¬† My backside is still sore in a couple of places from¬†where a nerve was hit and I haven’t been doing shots since July.

I feel so negative.¬† I am already expecting the transfer to either not stick, or result in another miscarriage.¬† It’s hard to see how the results could be any different than what I have already dealt with.¬†¬†Loss, more loss, is all I can see.¬† And, I don’t know if I can survive more loss.

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I feel like a terrible mother for having these feelings.¬† I don’t want to admit them to myself and so putting them out here for you to read is a very vulnerable feeling.

So, this week, it got very real.  I started my cycle.  I called the tell the Dr. office and they had me start oral hormones.  Today they sent me my calendar for when I will have appointments and begin shots.  I started bawling.  Transfer is tentatively scheduled for January 11th.

THAT. IS. SO. SOON.

I have to feel better before then.  I have to.  I know I cannot go into this being a raging ball of crazy.

I didn’t put a Christmas tree up.¬† I told myself that I didn’t put it up because we are not going to be at home for Christmas, but the truth is, I just can’t get in the spirit.¬† And I’m not sending Christmas cards. What would I say? There is no joy or happy news. I thought I would be pregnant this Christmas.¬† I was planning to have maternity pictures taken.¬† And now, I’m not.¬† And, I am talking about the next pregnancy instead.

So, here I am, now telling myself, I will feel better after Christmas.¬† But, will I?¬† I realize now that it isn’t just going to happen.¬† I need to pursue peace.

I’m tired of feeling empty.

I’m tired of feeling broken.

I’m tired of feeling hopeless.

I’m tired of feeling scared.

I’m tired of feeling alone.

Please pray for me.  I so need it.

3 hours on earth, 3 years in heaven

27 Sep

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Daddy please don’t look so sad, Mommy please don’t cry

Cause I’m in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God, don’t think He is unkind.

Don’t think He sent me to you and then changed His mind.

You see I’m a special child, I am needed up above.

I’m the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.

Look for the brightest star and know that’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You’ll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.

That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows

Know that it’s me planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug

Don’t be sad mommy, that’s just me giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy don’t look so sad and Mommy please don’t cry.

I’m in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies!

Baby, Are you Coming?

A personal journey in trying for our first baby

My Perfect Breakdown

-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

Maybe Baby...

Our Journey to Parenthood

Infertility: My Journey

A medic's experience

She Patiently Waits

My Journey Through IVF

From zero to zygote

Infertility | Adoption | Random bletherings

Meet the Hopefuls

Building our family through IVF

stitchingafamily

one stitch at a time

A Mourning Mom

living with grief, loss of children

Eccentric Writing

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Life Must Go On

A day in the life of a mommy without her sweet baby...Carter Benjamin

A journey of Life, Loss, Hope and Strength

A journey through the loss of our daughter Isabelle Skye, born 20 weeks too soon and our lives after...Even when we are in darkness we always seek the light...

abide in his love

For in Him I am made new

andsoiwait

My journey through infertility and miscarriage

Journey in the Woods

A woman's journey in the woods of infertility and infant loss.

Stacie Snell

Living life as victorious women through faith in His Name

afathershopeblog.wordpress.com/

Bringing encouragement to those who have lost a child