Tag Archives: healing

9 months

30 Aug

Today marks 3 MAJOR milestones.  I am 36 weeks pregnant! I am officially 9 months pregnant!  AND, I am in my last week of pregnancy!

I cannot believe that we have made it this far.  It is so surreal.  I have wanted this for so long and I am just amazed that this dream we have had is finally coming true.  Even though I believed that God would keep His promises, it was so hard to see how that would look and when it would ever happen.  I felt weary and afraid for so long.  I no longer feel that heaviness that weighed me down for such a long time.

Right now, I am feeling crazy for a whole new set of reasons, though.

I had a pretty rough weekend.

When I woke up on Friday, I was having what I thought was contractions pretty consistently, but not really painful.  I feel so clueless about what labor feels like because the only time I have experienced labor or anything similar has been during miscarriage.  This was in no way even similar to the pain of what my miscarriage last summer felt like, but I was having tightening and some very mild cramping, so I assumed that it was contractions.  I wasn’t concerned though because I knew that it was normal to have some contractions and not be in labor.  The contractions stopped after a few hours.  I was really sick all day on Friday as well.  I puked everything I ate and just felt really horrible.

Saturday, I woke up to the same feeling of what I thought was contractions.  They weren’t any stronger than the day before and so I wasn’t worried at all either and again it stopped after a few hours.  I had more stomach issues and felt pretty tough again all day.  Also, I lost some of my mucous plug.  That afternoon, I got one of my crazy headaches.  I tried Tylenol.  I tried a cup of coffee.  I tried a bath.  None of my usual tricks worked at all.  So, finally, I just had to put an ice pack on my head and deal with the pain.  The headache finally went away at about 4:30 am and I was able to get a few hours of sleep.

Sunday, the same contractions.  But, on Sunday, I noticed the cramping pains were not really going away.  It was happening off and on throughout the whole day.  Sometime in the afternoon, I realized that baby wasn’t moving near as much as usual.  Up until this point, she has been moving so much and so forcefully that it is at times painful.  On Sunday, I definitely still felt her move and hiccup every so often, but her moves were much less frequent and forceful.  I was trying to be calm and not be concerned.  I did a lot of things to try and get her moving, but she just wasn’t budging much.

As the evening wore on, I was trying so hard to balance being a crazy person and also not being stupid by not calling the Doctor.  Finally, the emotions of it got to me and I broke down bawling.  I hadn’t told my mom or Arturo up until this point.  They both said I should call the Doctor to be safe.  So, I called his office and they said they would page him.  He called me back in less than 5 minutes and told me to go to Labor and Delivery.  I really didn’t want to go, but in the end, I am glad we went.

As soon as we got there and hooked baby up to the monitors…she started moving like crazy and was doing great.  She is such a stinker.  I felt so much better feeling her move again.

I was having some very small contractions every few minutes, but my cervix was closed, so after a little bit of monitoring baby girl and having me chug some water to slow down the contractions, they let me go home.

We had another appointment yesterday morning and had an NST done.  It was our last NST before she will be born.  Everything went well with her.  My blood pressure is staying pretty stable.  We are getting some high readings from time to time, but in general it is staying under the numbers my Dr. wants.  My labs were a little bit elevated from last week, but not enough that he is making me have her now.    Thursday, we will have our last bio-physical profile ultrasound done and get all the final details about the C-section next week.

I am telling her she HAS to stay put over the weekend because my Dr. is going to be gone for Labor Day and I DO NOT want to have one of the other Doctors in his practice deliver her.  I do not trust them.

So, sometime next Tuesday, we will get to meet this girl who we have been longing for and praying for all these years.  I am unbelievably overwhelmed by the reality of that.  Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.


healthy healing

3 Aug

It has been so nice with my mom here. I haven’t had time alone to sit and mope or dwell on the loss. I feel like I am healing and doing so in a really positive way.

When my mom and I were at Bible study this week, I had a thought about how much different my life and recovery are after this miscarriage versus my first one.

After my first miscarriage, I partied and was so depressed that I tried to kill myself and ended up in a Psych Ward. From there, I went to drug and alcohol rehab.

This is so much different. The first week of the miscarriage was rough spiritually. I felt numb and didn’t pray or read my Bible. Since then, I have been waking up every morning and spending the first couple hours of my day studying the Word. I guarantee that is what is making the difference in my psyche this time around.

It’s not perfect, but better.

The past couple of days I am feeling something new, though.

Have you ever felt like something is so hard that you just don’t want to try anymore? That is how this feels. If we didn’t have two more frozen embryos, I would be done. This is so hard. But then I remember this…


Last week one day my mom and I went to a movie. I sat there doing what I do every time I watch a movie…trying to guess what was going to happen next. Sometimes, movies are so predictable. It is so easy to tell what is coming next. Why can’t life be like that?

My dad came this weekend and we had a great time with him here too. He helped Arturo with a couple projects around the yard and garage and we all went to the Royal Gorge and rode the train. It was a great weekend. Here’s a picture of Arturo and I on the train in the open air car.


My dad is back home now but my mom will be here another week or so. Her and I are going to Women of Faith in Denver this weekend. I am so looking forward to that. I realized the last time we went to Women of Faith was less than a month after Angel died. Crazy how this has worked out again for us to be going after another loss.

I am still bleeding, slightly. I am going to the Doctor tomorrow for some blood work. They said everything is probably fine, they just want to check my hormone levels.

it’s been awhile

17 Jul

Sorry I have been silent for so long. To be honest, I kind of had to be silent. For about a month there, I felt like I was on the verge of a mental break and was afraid that if I gave myself any room to vent it would just be a total mess of emotions that didn’t have any focus. So, I instead buried myself very deeply in my work and pretty much just shut everything else out. That worked for awhile, but eventually, work slowed down, and my head started spinning again. So, I gave myself permission to feel again, and I am now…maybe…starting to feel alright again for the first time in over a year.

May was just a particularly hard month for me because it was a month of so many anniversaries.

As Mother’s Day approached, all I could think about was how last year, I was pregnant and blissfully unaware that there was a problem with the baby. So, this year, as Mother’s Day approached, I could do nothing else but to think of everything I have lost. I didn’t want to even acknowledge the day. So, I went to work.

Then, as we began to approach May 22 and 23, I pretty much just fell apart. Last year, on May 21, I had a dream that my baby did not have a heartbeat and was dead. Last year, on May 22, I went to an ultrasound that did not go well, although I did not know yet what the problem was. Last year, on May 23, I sat in a Doctor’s office and listened to him tell me that my baby would not live. Last year, on May 24, I sat in another Doctor’s office and had things explained a little more clearly and was told I should start making funeral arrangements.

This year, all I could do was to think about everything that has happened since then and to just feel sorry for myself. I wanted nothing more than for the pain to end. I couldn’t help but think that if I had done things differently when I first learned of the news, maybe I would not still be hurting so badly one year later. If I had just become a cold, emotionless, shell of a person I wouldn’t have felt any of this pain.

Looking back now, it seems that God gave me that dream as a sign to let me know that I would not be raising this baby on earth. I have read about other mothers in very similar situations, who were also given dreams like mine. So, why did I hold out hope that things would be different? I felt so stupid. When I learned there was a problem, why couldn’t I just wash my hands of my baby and move on? Why couldn’t I separate all emotion, listen to what the Doctors were telling me, and say goodbye to the baby?

When I think about the decisions to carry the baby, name the baby, focus on his life instead of his death, love him unconditionally no matter what happened, I know those are the only decisions I could make at the time. But, for the month of May 2013, I was hurting so deeply, that I couldn’t help but question everything I had done in the past year. Were my decisions stupid and naïve? That is what I thought. It would have been so much easier if I would have at least let myself make funeral arrangements instead of telling myself that I couldn’t do that while Angel was still alive.

On May 23, I didn’t go to work. I couldn’t move for most of the day. I didn’t cry really. I was just numb.

In June, I finally gave myself permission to see a counselor. I had met with her one other time after Angel’s funeral. She is such a wonderful lady. She and her husband actually own the funeral home that did Angel’s service. She is a licensed grief counselor as well. She helped me to sort some of this out and in the weeks since talking with her, I have come to agree with the things she told me.

I made the only decisions I was able to make at the time. I had to hold out hope in order to survive the situation. I couldn’t make funeral arrangements and that is okay. It was not wrong. I had to give Angel all the love I had. I was not stupid or naïve. I made the decisions that God wanted me to make with my husband in full agreement along the way.

Also, while I have said that I do not really agree with the whole philosophy of “trying” to have a baby, I cannot help but think of more babies. For six months or so, I was taking my temperatures in the morning and trying to chart my ovulation. I told myself that I was doing this just as a method of trying to help the process along. But, every time I would get my period, I would go into this deep depression and question myself and what we were doing wrong. In June, I told Arturo that I was not going to take my temperatures any more. It is too much pressure and too hard when I find out I am not pregnant. He agreed and was glad that I was not going to be doing this. God will give us a baby when He wants to, on His time, and in His own way.

Since coming to peace with all this, I have felt happier. It has been almost 10 months since Angel left earth and I am by no means okay…but I do at least feel happy again.

moving forward

14 Jan

I have reached a new stage in my grief.  I am not sure what stage this is, but it feels much better.  It feels like I am doing some healing.

I am no longer angry when I hear of another couple being pregnant.  I no longer feel a twinge of jealousy when I find out that their baby is healthy.  I no longer feel intense sadness when I hear that they get to take their baby home from the hospital.  I now feel sad for myself for what I have lost, but am able to rejoice with others as they bring new life into this world.  I still have moments of pain upon hearing other’s good news, but I have made a conscious decision to not be angry.  There is no logical reason to feel anger at another couple for bringing their baby home just because I couldn’t.  It is not their fault anymore than it is mine.  There is no reason to not congratulate the couple and be happy for them when they have good news.  I needed to let myself feel these things though in order to move through them.  This is in no way saying that I am done grieving, but I am moving forward.  I am healing.

Thank you Jesus for bringing me through the worst of it.


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