Tag Archives: grieving mother

9 months

30 Aug

Today marks 3 MAJOR milestones.  I am 36 weeks pregnant! I am officially 9 months pregnant!  AND, I am in my last week of pregnancy!

I cannot believe that we have made it this far.  It is so surreal.  I have wanted this for so long and I am just amazed that this dream we have had is finally coming true.  Even though I believed that God would keep His promises, it was so hard to see how that would look and when it would ever happen.  I felt weary and afraid for so long.  I no longer feel that heaviness that weighed me down for such a long time.

Right now, I am feeling crazy for a whole new set of reasons, though.

I had a pretty rough weekend.

When I woke up on Friday, I was having what I thought was contractions pretty consistently, but not really painful.  I feel so clueless about what labor feels like because the only time I have experienced labor or anything similar has been during miscarriage.  This was in no way even similar to the pain of what my miscarriage last summer felt like, but I was having tightening and some very mild cramping, so I assumed that it was contractions.  I wasn’t concerned though because I knew that it was normal to have some contractions and not be in labor.  The contractions stopped after a few hours.  I was really sick all day on Friday as well.  I puked everything I ate and just felt really horrible.

Saturday, I woke up to the same feeling of what I thought was contractions.  They weren’t any stronger than the day before and so I wasn’t worried at all either and again it stopped after a few hours.  I had more stomach issues and felt pretty tough again all day.  Also, I lost some of my mucous plug.  That afternoon, I got one of my crazy headaches.  I tried Tylenol.  I tried a cup of coffee.  I tried a bath.  None of my usual tricks worked at all.  So, finally, I just had to put an ice pack on my head and deal with the pain.  The headache finally went away at about 4:30 am and I was able to get a few hours of sleep.

Sunday, the same contractions.  But, on Sunday, I noticed the cramping pains were not really going away.  It was happening off and on throughout the whole day.  Sometime in the afternoon, I realized that baby wasn’t moving near as much as usual.  Up until this point, she has been moving so much and so forcefully that it is at times painful.  On Sunday, I definitely still felt her move and hiccup every so often, but her moves were much less frequent and forceful.  I was trying to be calm and not be concerned.  I did a lot of things to try and get her moving, but she just wasn’t budging much.

As the evening wore on, I was trying so hard to balance being a crazy person and also not being stupid by not calling the Doctor.  Finally, the emotions of it got to me and I broke down bawling.  I hadn’t told my mom or Arturo up until this point.  They both said I should call the Doctor to be safe.  So, I called his office and they said they would page him.  He called me back in less than 5 minutes and told me to go to Labor and Delivery.  I really didn’t want to go, but in the end, I am glad we went.

As soon as we got there and hooked baby up to the monitors…she started moving like crazy and was doing great.  She is such a stinker.  I felt so much better feeling her move again.

I was having some very small contractions every few minutes, but my cervix was closed, so after a little bit of monitoring baby girl and having me chug some water to slow down the contractions, they let me go home.

We had another appointment yesterday morning and had an NST done.  It was our last NST before she will be born.  Everything went well with her.  My blood pressure is staying pretty stable.  We are getting some high readings from time to time, but in general it is staying under the numbers my Dr. wants.  My labs were a little bit elevated from last week, but not enough that he is making me have her now.    Thursday, we will have our last bio-physical profile ultrasound done and get all the final details about the C-section next week.

I am telling her she HAS to stay put over the weekend because my Dr. is going to be gone for Labor Day and I DO NOT want to have one of the other Doctors in his practice deliver her.  I do not trust them.

So, sometime next Tuesday, we will get to meet this girl who we have been longing for and praying for all these years.  I am unbelievably overwhelmed by the reality of that.  Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

 

Advertisements

rough waters ahead

12 Aug

It’s been a little more than a month since I have posted an update. Every time I have thought to write anything, I realize that everything I have to say is just complaints about how hard this pregnancy has been.  If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I have pre-eclampsia and am just super frustrated with how my Dr.’s are communicating with each other and me.    I have felt certain that no one wants to hear me whine and complain all the time, so I have just not been writing.

This week, though, I was reading a book that my sis-in-law gave me and I came across a passage that really spoke to me and my present situation.  It is from Creating With God by Sarah Jobe.

I know it’s not polite to talk about tomato chunks coming out of my nose or pulling a turd from my behind.  I’ve had to give my good, Southern-woman upbringing five or six valiums just to get the facts down on paper.  But I’ve decided that silence about the suffering of pregnancy just doesn’t help.  I think there is some fear that telling the full truth about pregnancy will be too discouraging to mothers-to-be.  We fear that if we talk about the suffering, no one will ever become a mother again.  But the truth is, no suffering in the world could have kept me from having my babies.  Naming my suffering has helped me learn my own strength.  Naming the suffering of others has helped me see Christ in them.  Telling the truth, even about “indecent” bodily functions, is important, faithful work.

I really love those words and realized that even though the truth about my pregnancy is that it has been really hard, it doesn’t mean I’m not still grateful for the journey.  That is what I have been afraid of, that people will think I’m not grateful.  Because I am.  I really am.

So, here goes.  Some updates since the last time I wrote.

On July 14th, at 29 weeks pregnant, my Dr. decided he wanted to start me on some blood pressure medication due to Gestational Hypertension.  People had been asking me for months why he hadn’t already done this.  I am pretty sure he wanted to wait until I was in my third trimester to start me on anything.  Also, he was unfortunately out of the office quite a bit in the month of June and  I am afraid that my care slipped through the cracks of the other Doctors in his practice.  I will explain some more on that later.  So, he had me start on 100 mg of Labetalol BID.  He told me to continue to take my blood pressure at home 2x/day and that we wanted to try to keep it under 150/100 because when it got higher than that is when I felt truly horrible.  He scheduled me to come see him in 2 weeks and then 2 weeks after that, he scheduled me to come in for weekly ultrasounds until the time that my C-section would take place.  He was still kind of unclear as to when that would be, but it would definitely need to happen by 37 weeks due to my blood pressure situation.

The medication was making no difference whatsoever.  150/100 was a far off dream.  I was more often than not, getting readings much higher than that.  So, I spent the next few weeks feeling really tough.  When my blood pressure was really high, my face would be beat red, my head would pound, and I felt utterly exhausted.  The only time I could get any relief from my headaches was to put an ice pack on my head and sit in complete darkness.  It didn’t take the pain away, but it made it tolerable.  At times, I could hear my pulse pounding in my head and I couldn’t help but be afraid that I was going to have a stroke and our daughter and I would be gravely affected.

My mom was here for a week from July 19-26.  The main reason she came was to attend my baby shower here, which was amazing, and it was so great to have her here for a week to keep my mind occupied.  My shower was such a blessing.  It truly amazes me how many caring people God has blessed me with as friends here in Colorado.  I know I never did anything in my life to be deserving of all the love we have received, but I will gladly accept it all!

On July 28th, I saw the Dr. again.  He took a look at my list of blood pressure readings and gave me a new set of instructions to follow.  He said that if my readings were 160/105 or higher, it was time to treat them with a higher dose of medication.  So, he had me increase to 200 mg BID and after 3-5 days, if it was still higher than 160/105, to double my dose again.  I had an appointment for one last ultrasound at the specialist’s office the next week and he told me to make sure and bring my list of blood pressure readings and get her advice.

Arturo’s parents came for a visit that weekend, and I felt worse than I have felt all pregnancy.  On Sunday during church, I started to get a headache.  I took some Tylenol, which will usually at least take the edge off, and hoped for the best.  While I was cooking lunch,  I told Arturo that after we were done eating, I was going to need to lay down.  I retreated to the darkness of my bedroom and packed my head in ice.  Several hours later, I was still in misery.  I am not used to a headache that won’t go away even after a sleep.  That evening, the pain let up enough that I was able to join everyone to go out for supper, but I was probably silly for pushing myself to do that.

On the 2nd, I took a look at my readings since the increase to 200 mg BID and there was never a reading lower than 150/100 and the higher ones were somewhere around 170/110, so I decided it was time to increase it again per his directions.  So, I started taking 400 mg BID and was just sure that dose had to do the trick!

Later that day I got a horrible headache again.  This one was even worse than the one I had over the weekend.  The pain was pretty similar, but it lasted much longer.  I was seeing double and very dizzy when I would stand up.  It lasted all day and through the night.

A couple of days later is when the real fun began.

We went for our last ultrasound and appointment at the specialist’s office on August 4th.  I was prepared for the crabby ultrasound lady, but luckily, we had someone different who was so wonderful!  She was very friendly and talked to us the whole time.  At 32 weeks, baby girl was weighing 4 lbs 13 oz and in the 73% for growth!  That morning I had read she should be weighing just under 4 lbs, so I was pleasantly surprised to see how well she was growing!  She wouldn’t show us her face, but we got a picture of the back of her head, which was very clearly covered in hair.  No surprise there!

The ultrasound tech took my list of blood pressure readings and seemed very concerned.  She asked if she could take it with her and she went to find the Dr.  When they came back in, the Dr. asked me about other symptoms I had been having.  I told her about my headaches, double vision, and dizziness.  Without running any other tests, she said I had severe pre-eclampsia and that her recommendation would be for me to be admitted to the hospital immediately and to have my C-section at 34 weeks.  I was absolutely shocked.  She asked if I had time to stay and be hooked up for a non-stress test and she said they would also like to give me a steroid shot to help baby’s lungs develop.  I of course agreed.

Baby girl looked good on the NST and so the Dr. said she would call my ob and tell him her recommendations.  She said I would need a second shot 24 hours later and that if they admitted me to the hospital I would be able to get it then.  She said either her or my ob would call me later that day and let me know what to do.

I was pretty scared, not for me, but for my daughter.  I want her to have the best possible start in life and while I know that a baby born at 34 weeks will survive just fine, I didn’t want her to have a NICU stay.  I couldn’t believe that this had progressed so fast.  Just a week ago, looking at my blood pressure readings, my Dr. was still calling it Gestational Hypertension and saying I could most likely have her at 37 weeks.

In my final attempt at nesting, Arturo and I went to Target to get the last things on my list for baby.  That might not have been the smartest decision either, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to relax at the hospital if I had a list of things that hadn’t been bought yet.  Giving up control has been one of the biggest things I have been struggling with over the last few weeks.  I don’t really know how to do that.

On our drive home, my ob called and said, “I hear you are going to be staying with us for a couple of weeks.”  I was devastated.  I had been hoping that he would think the high risk Dr. was jumping the gun and he would let me stay home.  No such luck.  He told me to pack my bags and bring my computer, my nail polish, my books, whatever I needed to keep busy for an extended stay.  He said to be at the hospital by 5:00 and that he would come up and see me that night.

Packing was an overwhelming task.  I didn’t know what to bring for me and for baby.  If she was born at 34 weeks, it was very likely that I would be leaving the hospital before she did, so I maybe didn’t need to pack anything for her.  But, I optimistically packed a few newborn outfits for her anyway.  For myself, my laptop, my Kindle, 3 or 4 books, and my crocheting were at the top of my list.  Beyond that, I had no real clue what I would need so I just threw in a ton of underwear and socks.

My Dr. came in about an hour after I had gotten settled in on the monitors.  They had been checking my blood pressure every 10 minutes, and of course, it was completely normal.  I mean, every reading was under 130 on the top and under 90 on the bottom.  I became hopeful that if it stayed low like that, he may let me go home.  They were going to be doing a 24 hour urine collection to check the protein level in my urine.  He said I would get a second steroid shot the next morning and he was going to start me on Lovenox shots (blood thinner).  They had taken labs shortly after I had gotten there and he said my glucose level was slightly elevated and my liver enzymes as well.  He wanted to have the nurses check my blood sugar a few times to check on that further and the liver enzymes being elevated are another sign of pre-eclampsia.  When I asked him if I would be able to go home after all the testing, he said not to count on it and that a decision to let me go home would not be made until a conversation was had with the high risk ob.  His words were, “Well, letting you go home would only happen after a fight with Dr. Klein, so don’t count on it.  Plan to be here and have a c-section at 34 weeks.” Then, he dropped a bomb on me.  He was going to be out of the office and one of the other Doctors in his practice would be assuming my care for the next week.  I really hated that because whenever he is gone, the other Doctors he works with are less than fabulous.  I tried not to worry about it though because I was sure that he would leave them very clear instructions of the plan.

I didn’t sleep very much that night mostly due to just being extremely uncomfortable and hot.  I had just fallen asleep pretty deeply when my nurse came in to check my vitals.  I spent the night getting my mind prepared for an early baby and surrendered to whatever God’s will was for her life.


Through the night and the next day, my blood pressure readings remained normal.  I received the second steroid shot, a shot of Lovenox, and had my blood sugar checked a few times.  I was hooked up to the monitors for awhile in the morning and baby girl was still doing great.  When the nurse did an assessment of my feet, ankles, and reflexes, she said I had clonus.  I asked what that meant and she just said it was seen in pre-eclampsia.  I sent a quick text to my sis-in-law who is a Dr. and she said that clonus indicates increased risk of seizures and she suspected they were testing to see if I should be on anti-seizure medication.  So, that was concerning.

My sweet husband was off work again that day so he ran some errands for me.  I made arrangements for him to drop our dogs off at some of our friend’s house.  He had to work 12-14 hour shifts for the next 3 days and that is a long day for them in their kennel.  And I talked him into bringing me up a fan so I could hopefully sleep a little better at night.

The nurses were surprised that a Dr. hadn’t come to visit me at all that morning and said maybe someone would be in around lunchtime.

My parents got in the car and began the drive from Minnesota to Colorado.  My dad planned to bring her here and then he was going to fly home and come back closer to when the baby would be born.  There are no more supportive parents in the world than mine are.  I am so blessed to have them in so many ways.

That afternoon, a Dr. from my ob’s office came in.  She started by introducing herself and then asked me, “What is your understanding of why you are here and how long you will be here?”  I was so shocked by her questions.  I told her what I had been told by the high risk Dr. and my ob and she snapped back, “That’s not what he told me.  He said that if your 24 hour urine comes back fine, you can go home.  I’m not even sure why you are here.”  I was super glad that she thought I could go home, but very surprised by her attitude and that she was so willing to go against what the other two Doctors were reccommending.  She didn’t seem concerned by anything else that was going on, the nurse mentioned the clonus and she disregarded it.  She told them to discontinue checking my blood sugar and said that she would be able to let me go home that evening if my urine was ok.  She said there was no reason I would have to have a c-section at 34 weeks.  The nurse said, “Go home on bed rest.”  The Dr. said, “No.  I don’t want her on bed rest.  She needs to be moving around to prevent blood clots.”

I was so utterly confused.  Arturo was mad and said if something happened to me, he would sue her.

I talked to my parents and they convinvced me to call the high risk Dr. office and check in with them.  The high risk Dr. said that if it were up to her, she would not be sending me home, but if this Dr. discharged me to home that she would advise strict bed rest.

Despite all the conflicting information, my blood pressure was still remaining normal and baby girl was still doing awesome for her non-stress tests.  Two things to be grateful for!

I finished my 24 hour urine collection at 5:00 pm and then Arturo and I just sat waiting for the results and the directions from the Dr.  About 7:00, the nurse came in and said that my lab results had come in and my protein level was over 300 and that I did indeed have pre-eclampsia, but the Dr. said I could still go home and was discharging me.  She said that she wanted to see me in the office the next week and I told her I already had a weekly appointment scheduled.  She said if my blood pressure became 140/90 I should sit down and rest for a few hours and then take it again.  If it was still 140/90, then I should call the office.  If I got an extreme headache again, I should come straight back to Labor and Delivery.

So, we went home, more confused than ever.  We loaded up the luggage and fan that I had and stopped and picked up the dogs.  We had prepared for such a long stay and now everything had been changed.  I decided to try and find a happy medium between the different reccommendations.  I didn’t think strict bedrest was needed, but I also didn’t think it made sense to resume all normal activities.  So, I thought I should attempt modified bedrest, which is pretty much what I had been doing up to this point anyway.

Arturo had to work the next day so I was alone most of the day.  I wasn’t certain my digital blood pressure cuff was giving me correct readings because that morning I got a reading of 160/105.  I didn’t think that seemed correct.  I took it a few hours later and it was still 142/99.  I had some friends come out and bring me a manual cuff they said I could borrow.  While here, he took my blood pressure about 5 times and every time he got a reading of about 150/110.  I was so surprised.  But, I decided to just rest and not call the Dr. I didn’t think there was anything she would do anyway.  At 5:00 pm, I got a reading of 125/90 and was satisfied with that.

My parents got here that evening and my mom was planning to be here for the long-haul.

The next few days were pretty calm.  Check my blood pressure in the morning and rest most of the day.  I had a bad headache on Monday night.  I woke up to go to the bathroom (for the 20th time that night) and I was quite dizzy and almost fell down.  Two nights later, Wednesday night, my head started to get pretty bad so I resorted to drinking a cup of coffee.  I have not drank any coffee my whole pregnancy and while I know a cup of coffee is fine and safe, I found it easier to just avoid it altogether. So, after months without coffee, I had one cup and was wide awake, but headache free!

On Tuesday, I had a meltdown of sorts.  My mom and Arturo went grocery shopping and I agreed to stay home and rest.  That was so hard for me.  I love grocery shopping.  I love to be in charge of what goes in the cart and keeping a running total of what we have spent so that when we get to the register I am prepared within a few dollars of what it will cost.  I found myself crying about it and then mad at myself for crying over something so silly.

Yesterday, my mom came with me to see the Dr. My Dr. is still out so we saw the Dr. who had discharged me from the hospital.  I had an ultrasound first and was pleasantly surprised that the ultrasound tech was in a much better mood than the first time I had seen her for a scan at 12 weeks.  She visited with us the whole time and explained what we were looking at.  She showed us when baby girl was taking practice breaths and pointed out how good she was moving, which is what they were monitoring on this ultrasound.  After she had gotten everything she needed, she spent quite a bit of time trying to give us a good 3D image of her face.  We couldn’t get a clear image of her whole face because she refused to move her arms away from them, but we got some really cute shots of her nose and mouth and then another shot or two of the side of her head.  She is so stubborn and right now, I am really happy for that!  She is gonna need that strong will!

The Dr. was even more confusing than before.  She was very nice, so that was great.  But, she seems to be talking out of both sides of her mouth at this point.  She said that she had taken a look at all my labs and that in June when I did my 24 hour urine catch, it came back with a protein of over 300 and that I have had pre-eclampsia since then.

So….WHAT?  My Dr. had written the order for that test and then he was out of the office for 2 weeks.  So, after I had turned it in, I expected someone to call me if it was bad.  No one did and during that next week was when my blood pressure started to get really bad so I was at labor and delivery.  Still, no one said anything about my 24 hour urine and in fact, when I asked about it at the hospital, they said that they didn’t have access to the result.  I had called my Dr. office to see if someone could tell me something about it and was told that my Dr. had to sign off on it before a nurse could give me the results.  I asked if since he was gone one of the other Dr.s could look at it and finally a few days later, someone called me and told me that the Dr. said the result was fine.  So, I never asked about it again and it was never brought up again.

Now, I don’t know if when my Dr. got back he just saw that the other Dr. had signed off on it and didn’t look at it any closer than that or what happened, but this is obviously a concern that no one told me or realized I have had pre-eclampsia since June!

She said with everything combined, she agreed my pre-eclampsia is a severe case and that I should probably still be in the hospital on bedrest with a C-section at 34 weeks, which would be this coming Tuesday.  But, she also said we are in a gray area since my blood pressure is now controlled with the medication and that if I was her patient, she would probably wait until 37 weeks to deliver me and see me 2 times a week for ultrasounds and non-stress tests until then.

I had already been scheduled to see my Dr. this coming Thursday, but she had me put on his schedule for another ultrasound and appointment on Monday so that he can make the final determination as to whether I need to have the C-section on Tuesday or can wait a few more weeks.

So, we shall see what Monday brings, but Arturo and I have pretty much decided that we are not going to let him deliver her at 34 weeks unless my situation with the pre-eclampsia becomes life-threatening.  I will do whatever it takes to keep this girl in, even if that means not going to the grocery store again for several months.

I will leave you with another passage from the book Creating with God by Sarah Jobe.  I am working on accepting this and believing it to be true!

Pregnant women learn throughout pregnancy to trust others for their basic needs.  They learn their own limits.  They learn to ask for and receive help.  They learn to surround themselves with communities of support, knowing that when they most need to, they might not be able to lift their own legs.  They learn to trust that God will meet their needs through the people around them.  In short, pregnant women learn to live by faith.

Living by faith isn’t easy.  Most of us don’t want to ask for help.  We don’t want to be dependent.  It feels very vulnerable to let others (even our partners!) see our weakness.  We don’t know if they’ll honor that weakness or exploit it-if they’ll help us in our need or dismiss us as high-maintenance nuisances.  It is risky business to believe that God’s grace is sufficient to meet our needs, that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

We like to think that being Christian is about helping other people.  It feels good to meet the needs of others.  But being a Christian is equally about learning to let others help us.  Jesus asks his disciples to leave their jobs and families to follow him, not knowing where their next meal will come from.  God asks Abraham to leave family and homeland on the absurd promise that in his old age he will have a child who will become a great nation.  The Israelites leave slavery in Egypt only to wander around in a desert, depending on God to provide every single meal.  The Bible is full of stories of God asking folks to leave their self-built support systems to live lives of dependence in which God meets their basic daily needs. This sort of seemingly foolish, extremely uncomfortable willingness to lean upon God is at the heart of Christian faith.  Our willingness to be weak, vulnerable, and dependent is truly the space in which God’s power is seen.

 

 

 

 

 

not many words right now

31 Aug

It’s been almost a month since I posted on my blog. I am just not sure what to say right now. I’m not sure what I feel. So, here are just a few graphics that speak what is on my heart right now.

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

My last pregnancy picture, at 9 weeks. My miscarriage happened at 10 weeks.

image

facing new feelings

13 May

This past weekend was Mother’s Day. I am happy to say that this is the first Mother’s Day since the loss of Angel that I haven’t been consumed by grief, but it is also confusing for me.

May has been such a hard month for me the past couple of years. In 2012, I celebrated Mother’s Day, pregnant and blissfully unaware that our baby was sick. A few weeks later, on May 21st, I had a dream that our baby was dead. On May 22nd, I went to an ultrasound and was told that there was a problem, but they were unsure what it was. On the 23rd, I met with a specialist who advised me that our baby would not live outside the womb and that he maybe wouldn’t survive to birth at all.

In May of 2013, I did not want to think or feel anything. I buried myself in work. I tried to stay at work as much and as often as I could. I worked almost 7 days a week, 14-16 hour days. This avoidance was okay, until my work slowed down and I was all of a sudden hit with emotions that I had been pushing to the side for a whole month. It was really overwhelming.

In May of 2014, I was unemployed. We had just moved to Colorado and while I was starting a job soon, I could not use that as a place of hiding. It was the exact opposite as the previous year. I had to face my emotions and I felt really desperate and afraid and like all my hope was gone.

Coming up to May this year, I have felt a range of emotions. I am obviously excited for what the future holds for us as parents. We have been very proactive in moving forward with our dreams of being parents and are feeling optimistic that God is going to provide a baby or child in our home soon.

But, as I realized that my embryo transfer would be happening this month, in May of all months, I started to feel something I wasn’t prepared for. The closer I get to realizing my dream of being pregnant, I start to have this feeling that by having another baby, I am betraying Angel in some kind of way. I have no idea how to explain it and I know that it doesn’t make any sense. But, I have been feeling it. Maybe I wouldn’t have this feeling if it wasn’t happening now, in May.

Because for the past couple of years, May has been about everything I have lost; my pain, my sorrow, my anger, my fear. And, now it could be about something else. It could hold promise and new life and joy and peace. And, if I allow myself to feel good things, am I abandoning the feelings that losing Angel has filled me with? It’s as though I am struggling against letting myself feel joy and hope for a future.

I know it’s not logical for me to feel this way. I know that no one expects me to stay in mourning for my son for the rest of my life, and to be devastated every year for the whole month of May. I guess I have expected it of myself.

I also wasn’t as prepared as I thought I would be for the possibility of another child. This brings up another whole range of emotions that I am going to have to process through very soon.

On the 9th, the Saturday before Mother’s Day, Arturo and I worked outside preparing our garden for plants. The weather was pretty horrible. It rained and hailed for much of the day. We went into the house when the rain came down too hard. When the sun started to come out in the afternoon, Arturo pointed out the front window and there was a double rainbow in the sky. I’m sure you understand how that filled me with hope. I mean seriously, not one rainbow, but two!

image

Thank you Lord for the reminder that You will keep Your promises to me. And also, the rainbow reminded me that even if this next phase of our lives is scary, and I’m sure it will be, He is going to walk through it with me. I just need to keep trusting Him and looking to Him no matter what happens.

On Mother’s Day, the weather was much nicer and we planted the garden. I thought about that garden some since then. Planting a garden takes hope and trust. I do not know what will happen with it. Will I get the crop I desire? How long will it take? Will the whole garden die? Do I even know how to take care of a garden? Not really. But, I’m going to do my best and wait expectantly.

image

My trial transfer went very well on the 8th. My ultrasound shows that my uterus lining is at the thickness it needs to be for transfer. I went home from the Doctor that day very pleased and went to sleep. I woke up to a voicemail message from the nurse saying that the Doctor wanted me to come back in on Monday the 11th for another appointment. She didn’t say why. I wasn’t scheduled to go in again until the 13th (so today). I am proud to say that I didn’t spend the whole weekend worrying. I also didn’t assume the worst. Actually, my first thought was that my labs must have been so good they were going to move my transfer up a couple of days.

Well, Monday morning came and I was wrong. My estrogen levels were not going up like they wanted them to and that was why they had me come in for more labs. Again, they confirmed that my uterus lining looks great and said that I would receive a call later that day if they wanted me to do an extra Estraidol injection.

I went home and went to sleep and again woke up from a voicemail message from the nurse stating that they did want me to do an extra injection because my levels were not going up yet and that they wanted me to come back again on Tuesday for more labs.

I immediately prayed and released this to God. I felt such a peace in doing that. And, I knew that if my levels did not go up like they wanted them to, that just meant that God had a different plan for a different month for transfer that would be even better.

On Tuesday, after my labs, and after my sleep, I had a voicemail from the nurse saying that my Estrogen levels are finally going up to where they want them to be. Praise God. So, I should be back on track for my Monday transfer. I will probably know more after today’s appointment and lab results, but I am not worried. God is in control and He knows what is best.

Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”

letter to my grief

12 Mar

Dear Grief,

Surprised to hear from me? I know you are aware I’ve been trying to avoid you lately. But, I am realizing, yet again, that no matter how hard I try to ignore you, you just won’t go away. You are like the uninvited house guest that has overstayed your welcome. I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s true.

Maybe you will always be near me. But, the hard part is that sometimes I think you’ve left and then BOOM you come out of nowhere and totally catch me off guard. That’s when I realize you never left at all.

Please just tell me one thing. Will it always be this way? Have I just been fooling myself into thinking I am moving forward? Isn’t it enough already? Okay. That’s more than one question. Sorry.

I know you are necessary. And, I know it’s better if I acknowledge you. It has always been my natural inclination to avoid pain, though. I mean, I DID allow you to walk hand in hand with me for a very long time. I had to. I guess I needed you then. But, I don’t feel like I do now. Am I wrong? Will I always need you? Because I don’t want you.

It has been almost three years since you came into my life in such a deeply personal way. I mean sure, I knew you before, but not like this. In the past when we met, you didn’t linger so long. You came and went and I found a way to move on. But, not now. You just won’t leave. One thing is for sure, our relationship has changed me.

I guess if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been all bad. I’ve become stronger because of you. I’m more compassionate. I love deeper. I cherish moments, family and friends in ways that I never did before. I try to live with no regrets and to take risks. I have learned to veer away from my planner and to just let life happen. And, most importantly, my faith has grown.

So, I guess you are gonna stay around huh? Well, I will work harder not to ignore you. I see now that you have made me a better person. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so badly. I’m sick of the tears. I’m sick of the longing. But, I’m sure you know that.

We’ll talk soon.

A Grieving Mother,

Amanda

Baby, Are you Coming?

A personal journey in trying for our first baby

My Perfect Breakdown

-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

Maybe Baby...

Our Journey to Parenthood

Infertility: My Journey

A medic's experience

She Patiently Waits

My Journey Through IVF

From zero to zygote

Infertility | Adoption | Random bletherings

Meet the Hopefuls

Building our family through IVF

stitchingafamily

one stitch at a time

A Mourning Mom

living with grief, loss of children

Eccentric Writing

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Life Must Go On

A day in the life of a mommy without her sweet baby...Carter Benjamin

A journey of Life, Loss, Hope and Strength

A journey through the loss of our daughter Isabelle Skye, born 20 weeks too soon and our lives after...Even when we are in darkness we always seek the light...

abide in his love

For in Him I am made new

andsoiwait

My journey through infertility and miscarriage

Journey in the Woods

A woman's journey in the woods of infertility and infant loss.

Stacie Snell

Living life as victorious women through faith in His Name

afathershopeblog.wordpress.com/

Bringing encouragement to those who have lost a child