Tag Archives: birthday

sweet dreams

20 Apr

The other night I had a dream that I was taking piano lessons from Pharrell Williams.  Ever since then, I have been wanting to buy a piano and get back to playing.  But, also, I realized I have been having some crazy wild dreams and I thought maybe I should compile them into a post and see if I can make some people smile or scratch their heads.  So, here’s a few of the best ones I have had!

My favorite crazy/hilarious dream I have had was that Arturo came to me one day and said he had invented a curling iron and wanted to curl my hair with it.  I thought it was strange because this is the last thing Arturo would ever do…curl my hair?!?  Well, he convinced me to come into the bathroom and sit down for him to curl my hair.  I soon discovered that the “curling iron” he had made was actually just his poop formed into a shape that resembled a curling iron.  I was horrified.  I kept telling him he couldn’t put that in my hair, but he insisted and was so sure my hair would look fabulous once he finished.  I was crying the whole time he was “curling” my hair.  I kept telling him that he wasn’t curling my hair, he was just smearing poop all throughout it, but he was like a crazed madman and just kept going and telling me that it looked fabulous.  So, that was weird.

Another favorite dream starred my mom.  I dreamt that the world was in disarray, run by criminals, and any “good” people that were left were all in hiding terrified to leave their homes.  So, I was hiding my mom because she had military grade weapon technology inside her body and the bad guys were trying to find her to dissect her and obtain the military grade weapon technology.  We were hiding in the house where I grew up in Churchs Ferry, North Dakota.  (This house is no longer even there.)  We stayed in the basement most of the time because there weren’t very many windows and we didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing us.  The only time we went upstairs was to use the bathroom or to get food from the kitchen.  One day while I was upstairs taking a shower, I noticed a huge truck had pulled into our driveway.  I started screaming for my mom to hide because I was sure it was the bad guys.  But, it turned out to be four guys that I went to high school with who were there to help protect my mom.  I’m not exactly sure how the dream ended, but I think my mom stayed safe.

Another great dream combined elements of my past and my present.  I dreamt that I went to eat at The Crossroads, which was a truck stop in my hometown that is no longer in business.  When I went in, the place was packed and I couldn’t get any service.  There were tons of waitresses standing around gossiping with each other and ignoring anyone who came in the restaurant.  I looked and saw that one of my dear friends from Pueblo was waitressing and she was the only one doing anything.  She was running around like crazy trying to get all the customers taken care of.  I kept trying to get the attention of the other waitresses, but they just kept talking amongst themselves and ignoring me.

I heard one of them say, “Oh no.  She did it again.”

I was like, “What?  What happened?”

I then looked over and saw that my friend who was waitressing had puked all over the head of one of the customers.  She was apologizing profusely and trying to help him get cleaned up.

The other waitresses kept talking to each other.  “She does this all the time.  At least once a shift.  So gross.”

I was so disturbed.  I was yelling at them, “You need to help her!  She is overwhelmed! This is too much work for her!”

They continued to ignore me, so I decided to start helping her.

I have also couple of really weird birth dreams just this week.

The first one really upset me even though it is absolutely ridiculous.  I dreamt that I was only 18 weeks pregnant and I went into labor.  They couldn’t stop the labor and rushed me in for an emergency C-section.  Immediately after the baby was born, they rushed the baby off to the NICU and wouldn’t tell me anything about the health or the sex.  In my mind, I knew that a baby born that early could not live, but they wouldn’t tell me anything and I was a complete mess.  The next day, they came and took me to meet Baby.  The nurses were so excited and so I felt that it must all be okay.  They brought me to a six year old boy with a mouth full of teeth who was talking and calling me not mama, but Amanda.  I was so upset and confused.  I kept telling them this wasn’t my baby and they kept saying it was and acting like it was all totally normal.  They were trying to get me to pick him up and cradle him and to nurse him.  I just kept looking at all those teeth and telling them  I couldn’t.  I then woke up and I could hear my mom telling a bunch of my family that she had a dream that I gave birth to a six year old boy.  I was even more upset.  You had the same dream?  It must be true!  But then, I woke up for real and realized that I had a dream within a dream.

Two nights ago I dreamt that we went for a Dr.appointment and we were told that the Baby’s heart had stopped beating.  They were going to induce labor and have me deliver.  They did an ultrasound to check on the position of the baby and we discovered that it wasn’t a baby at all…it was a horse.  So, I gave birth to  a stillborn colt.

Obviously these last two dreams are wildly unrealistic and shouldn’t make me afraid, but to be honest, they both did make me nervous.  So, I was very relieved to go the Dr. yesterday and hear Frijole’s beautiful beating heart.  The Dr. had a hard time finding heartbeat again and by the time he finally did, I was in tears.  He was so patient with me and just kept telling me, “Don’t freak out.  I’ll tell you when it’s time to freak out.”

Other than that, things are going really well.  I am done with the all day nausea.  I am still puking a few times a week (quite a bit this morning) but it’s so much better!  I have had some mild kidney pain off and on, but so far, I haven’t passed anymore stones and I’m hoping not to!!  Physically, I am feeling so much more human, but that also makes me a little bit more anxious.  I NEED my pregnancy symptoms to reassure me that Baby is still growing and everything is fine.  Without all the wild symptoms, I almost don’t feel pregnant and I let my mind wander to all the scary places.

I was exactly 17 weeks at my appointment yesterday and I was really hoping that he would let me schedule my anatomy scan for 18 or 19 weeks.  I had it at 18 weeks with Angel.  But, no, he wants me to schedule it between 21-26 weeks. Ahh!  That feels so far away!!  Also, he wants me to go a specialist for the ultrasound.  He read me notes from the Dr. who did Angel’s C-section that said there is a 3-8% chance of repeat renal agenesis.  Why did he have to tell me that?!?  We were never told that. We were repeatedly told that Angel’s condition would not reoccur in subsequent pregnancies, that there was nothing genetic about his diagnosis and that it was like a strike of lightning, extremely rare and only happens once.  After the appointment, I talked it out with Arturo and reasoned that the Dr. put that in his notes because he probably couldn’t put 0%.  I mean, he can’t actually know for sure that it would NEVER happen again, so he put a very small % in.  I’m trying not to let it freak me out.  Before bed last night, I almost did a google search to see if I could find any stories about moms who have had two babies with the same condition, but I talked myself out of it.  It’s gonna be a long 4-9 weeks of waiting until I know for sure though!  They will call me to schedule the ultrasound sometime in the next week.

We did schedule my C-section yesterday.  I had a C-section with Angel and since this will likely be my last pregnancy, I decided to go that route again.  I am terrified of a failed VBAC.  I don’t want to spend hours laboring only to end in a C-section anyway.  I know there is no way to predict how my labor would go, but I just decided I don’t need anymore reasons to be panicked and am going for the C-section.  And the best part?!?  The C-section is scheduled for my birthday!!!!  So, unless there is a reason to move it up, this year will be the best birthday ever!

 

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3 hours on earth, 3 years in heaven

27 Sep

Angel-215

Daddy please don’t look so sad, Mommy please don’t cry

Cause I’m in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God, don’t think He is unkind.

Don’t think He sent me to you and then changed His mind.

You see I’m a special child, I am needed up above.

I’m the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.

Look for the brightest star and know that’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You’ll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.

That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows

Know that it’s me planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug

Don’t be sad mommy, that’s just me giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy don’t look so sad and Mommy please don’t cry.

I’m in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies!

32

20 Sep

Again, this year, I have been dreading my birthday.  Nothing has changed since I turned 31.  We are still us two in our home with no idea as to when God plans to change that.  It seems that my birthday continues to come only to serve as a reminder of motherhood being far out of reach.

But, today, instead of focusing on these things, I am going to CHOOSE JOY!  And, amazingly, God gave me the perfect reading to remind me of His love for me.  I pray that it inspires you as well.

It is from the devotional Streams in the Desert by LB Cowman.

Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God? John 11:40

Mary and Martha could not understand what their Lord was doing.  Each of them had said to Him, “Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” And behind their words we seem to read their true thoughts: “Lord, we do not understand why you waited so long to come or how you could allow the man you love so much to die.  We do not understand how you could allow such sorrow and suffering to devastate our lives, when your presence might have stopped it all.  Why didn’t you come?  Now it’s too late, because Lazarus has been dead for four days!”  But Jesus simply had one great truth in answer to all of this.  He said, in essence, “You may not understand, but I am telling you that if you believe, you will see.”

Abraham could not understand why God would ask him to sacrifice his son, but He trusted Him.  Then he saw the Lord’s glory when the son he loved was restored to him.  Moses could not understand why God would require him to stay forty years in the wilderness, but he also trusted Him.  Then he saw when God called him to lead Israel from Egyptian bondage.

Joseph could not understand his brothers’ cruelty toward him, the false testimony of a treacherous woman, or the long years of unjust imprisonment, but he trusted God and finally saw His glory in it all.  And Joseph’s father, Jacob, could not understand how God’s strange providence could allow Joseph to be taken from him.  Yet later he saw the Lord’s glory when he looked into the face of his son, who had become governor for a great king and the person used to preserve his own life and the lives of an entire nation.

Perhaps there is something in your life causing you to question God.  Do you find yourself saying, “I do not understand why God allowed my loved one to be taken.  I do not understand why affliction has been permitted to strike me.  I do not understand why the Lord has led me down these twisting paths.  I do not understand why my own plans, which seemed so good, have been so disappointing.  I do not understand why the blessings I so desperately need are so long in coming.”

Dear friend, you do not have to understand all God’s ways of dealing with you.  He does not expect you to understand them.  You do not expect your children to understand everything you do-you simply want them to trust you.  And someday you too will see the glory of God in the things you do not understand.

PS- Happy Birthday to me.

 

dear Angel

27 Sep

Dear Angel-

I don’t know how to write this letter to you. I don’t know how to express all that I need to say to you. I guess that is why I haven’t written this letter until now.

I miss you. I miss you so much and it hurts so badly. There is a literal physical pain involved with how much I miss you. 3 hours is not long enough. 3 hours is all I had to make a lifetime of memories. Recently, I have felt so helpless in my grief. I want to share you with the world and all I have are some pictures, trinkets, and my memories. You are not here and there is no way for me to explain to people what an amazing baby you were.

It’s your birthday. We are going to have a party and celebrate your life. It is going to be hard for me to do this because I want to do it with you. I want to put you in the highchair and take pictures of you eating your cake. I want to know if you would dive right in and make a mess or if you would hate to be dirty and barely touch the cake. When I sing “Happy birthday” I want to see your face and witness your reaction. Instead, we will do all these things without you and pray that you are watching us.

The day that you were born was the greatest day of my life. I am still surprised that through the pain there was infinite joy. I have never felt such a range of emotions in such a short time. I was terrified in the hours before you were born because I didn’t know what to expect and I knew that when they took you from my womb, I would have no way to protect you. In the first half hour of your life, I felt scared and helpless as I waited for the Doctors to give some answers on your health. I felt so much sadness as it became painfully obvious that we would only have you for a short time. I felt overwhelming guilt as I watched your father hold you for the first time, knowing that he would not get to raise you. Then I began to feel a peace as I held you and I even felt a peace in knowing that we would have to say goodbye. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in that room so strongly. I felt immeasurable love for you and for all that were there to share in your life. I felt calm as the hours passed and you were still with us. I was in complete shock when they said that your heart was not beating any more. It didn’t seem like it could be real. We had just spent three hours getting to know you and now they were telling me that I would have to say goodbye.

I have some regrets about that day, things I wish I would have done that I didn’t do. I wish I would have gotten a video of you. I wish I would have recorded the precious cooing sound that you were making. I wish I would have sang to you more. I wish we would have asked the nurses if Arturo could have been the one to bathe you. I would have loved to, but since I had surgery, I couldn’t get out of bed. I will never be able to get that day back and so it is hard to know that there are things I could have done and didn’t do.

This past year has been very difficult. I am not only mourning the loss of who you were, but the loss of who you would have been. I will never know. And, I mourn the loss of the privilege to mother you on this earth. Being your mother is the greatest gift God has given me and it is hard to understand why He had to take you away so soon.

People sometimes ask me if I talk to you, or if I feel your presence. Truth is, no. This is the first time I have communicated with you since you went to heaven. It has seemed like it would be too painful to direct my thoughts to you. I am sorry for that. I am going to try and be better about including you in my life. I am always thinking about you, always. So many things remind me of you. It seems constant.

When you are looking down on us, I hope you can see how you have changed my world. I hope you can see that you have made me a much more compassionate woman. Your father and I love each other more each day and I know that you played a big part in that. I have involved myself in raising money for two amazing organizations in your honor. I never would have gotten involved in these causes if it wasn’t for you. You are touching lives all over the globe and that makes me so proud. Your life and the way that I have told your story have encouraged other moms to reach out to me and talk to me about their struggles. I have bonded with women all over the world and some of them I have never even met face to face. If I never do get the chance to meet them on earth, I will be blessed to meet them in heaven one day.

I know that you are the lucky one. You are in heaven where there is no more pain. You have a beautiful, whole body and you are perfect in every way. I can’t wait until the day that we are re-united, but I know that I have more life to live here on earth before that happens. It is hard to do it without you and I am so grateful that I have a loving support system to walk with me.

I was looking at some pictures of you from the day you were born, pictures of you being delivered. When I see you with that cord wrapped around your neck three times, and your poor little legs connected, it makes me realize more and more what a miracle your life was. You were a fighter and I am so proud to be your momma.

You will never be forgotten.

I love you. I miss you.

Til we meet again,
Your momma

31

19 Sep

I am a HUGE fan of my birthday. It brings out the kid in me to talk about my birthday and remind people of it for at least a month in advance. I am into shameless self-promotion when it comes to my birthday. This year though, I have not been able to get excited about my special day. By the way, it is tomorrow.

I have never thought I would be one of those girls that freaked out about getting older. But, I am starting to be one. It is not because I think that 31 is old. I just think that 31 is old to not have any kids to raise. When my mom turned 31, I was 12 years old and my brother was 10. When I graduated from high school, my mom was still in her late 30s.

At 31, this is just not how I thought my life would look. In my mid-twenties, it seemed pretty obvious that I was not going to be married at a young age. So, I set a goal that I would have kids by the time I was 30. I wasn’t concerned about the whole husband thing. I just knew that there was something inside me that was SCREAMING, “I NEED TO BE A MOM.”

So, the first trick God played on me was placing in my path the most perfect man who completes me in every way I need completing. It is overwhelming to me how he loves me and how my love continues to grow for him. He is everything I need. AND he shares my desire to be a parent. So, as you know from my previous ramblings, we set out to make a family almost right away.

So, here we are, two and a half years into our marriage. I am turning 31, not getting any younger, and we are still just us two in our home. Am I happy? Yes. I am happier with him and in our marriage than I ever thought possible. I never thought I could be happy or that I deserved happiness.

I continue to remind myself that we are a family even if we are always just us two. It is just hard to understand why God has placed the two of us together, both with such a strong desire to parent kids that we get to raise, but leaves our home empty. So, I guess, this birthday has just served as another reminder of what we have lost and what we still do not have.

Last year, on this day, I was pregnant and very unsure of what God had planned for Angel’s life. His life did not go as we had hoped and so I have found it very difficult to hope for anything. One year later, after taking no precautions, I am not pregnant and am starting to feel like I never will be. I know that one year might not seem like very much time, but to me, it seems like eternity.

For the first six months or so after Angel’s birth, I was scared to ask of anything from the Lord. I was afraid to ask and to feel that He wasn’t answering. I found it difficult to pray at all. Recently, I have found myself crying out to Him, telling Him that I am ready. I beg and plead for Him to give me a baby. But, His ways are not my ways and I do not know that He will ever answer my cries in the way I want Him to.

I wish this birthday had not come to serve as another reminder that I have an Angel sized hole in my heart.

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