Archive | December, 2016

the end

29 Dec

One year ago today, I started injections in preparation for our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Today, I am writing this as one of those embryos is now a 17 week old baby girl snuggling me while she naps. I went into the transfer so afraid of what the results would be, so afraid of more loss. And there was loss. We started with 2 babies and ended up with 1. But there is no way to explain how much healing has taken place in me as a result of being Amor’s mama. 

All the loss leading up to the birth of my daughter will never be forgotten, but the grief is so much different now. I am not consumed by sadness and longing. I am not afraid to face the future and questioning God’s plan. I am not childless. 

Along the road to become parents, I often said that if God would just reveal His plan to me, I would be ok with it. I just needed to know how long I would be waiting for a baby and how that baby would come. 

When Amor was born, Arturo and I had been married 5 1/2 years. I realize now, if someone had told me how hard our journey would be, I never would have married him. I would have been too afraid to face the struggle and endure the pain. Amor’s birth has taught me so much about trusting God’s perfect plan. 

Being Angel’s mama has taught me so much about how to be a mother to Amor. I am not a perfect mom by any means. But I am 100% more patient and grateful than I ever would have been without loss. My life is forever marked by loss and I am ok with that because I know it has a purpose. 

There have been some obvious adjustments in our family but there is one I wasn’t prepared for. I am the type of wife that a lot of my friends tell me I am too good to my husband. I love to take care of him. It gives me so much pleasure to do everything I can for him. But, as I have been sleep deprived and taking care of a tiny human who can’t do for herself, I have not been able to give as much to Arturo. I grieved this for a few weeks until I realized that he is never going to complain about me being a mom to our daughter. I married so well y’all. I really did. 

I don’t know what our future holds for more children. I do know that God has promised I will be mother to many. But, just as I didn’t know what the journey held in the 5 1/2 years we waited for Amor, I don’t know what the future holds beyond this point. When I look at Amor and think that she may be the only biological child we have, it does make me a little sad. 

Before my embryo transfer last January, I said that if we didn’t have 2 frozen embryos already, I would be done. I would not do another round of IVF. Since Amor has been born, I have been trying to figure out the best way to rob a bank or armored car so we can afford to do IVF again in the future. Literally, before she was even 24 hours old, I was having these thoughts. Holding her in my arms made IVF worth it.

You may have noticed the title of this post, “the end.” I know this isn’t the end of our story, but it feels like an end to this blog. In the same way I didn’t know what these last 5 1/2 years of marriage would look like, I also had no idea what this blog would become when I started it 4 1/2 years ago. I started it for two reasons. 

One, it was the easiest way for me to communicate with people about Angel’s life. I had so many concerned family and friends and this way, I could update everyone at once and I didn’t have to face anyone while I did it. I can’t tell you how many times I sobbed as I pounded on my keyboard and I could do this in privacy and didn’t have to overwhelm anyone with my emotions.

Which brings me to the second reason I started this blog. Writing is extremely therapeutic for me. I knew it would be the best way for me to process my emotions and find some healing.

What I didn’t know when I started this blog, is how Angel’s life would touch so many people. I didn’t know that I would make so many new friends, people who have encouraged me and prayed for us since the beginning of our story with Angel. I didn’t know Angel’s life would continue to impact people even now. 

Just last week, I received communication from a friend who told me that when she was up at 3 am trying to get her baby to sleep, she remembered a post I wrote about longing to hold my baby and it helped her to appreciate the time with hers. Her message was a great reminder for me as I am now dealing with a baby who doesn’t want to sleep at night. I never got these moments with Angel and it can be easy to get frustrated when I am so tired. But I want to instead feel grateful as I know these moments will be gone will too soon.

So, thank you all for following our journey and loving us through it. We can never thank you enough. 

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