Archive | December, 2015

it has begun

30 Dec

Well, I made it through Christmas without too many crazy moments and that is a victory in my mind!

We had a great time celebrating with family.  We spent a week with Arturo’s family in South Dakota, then 4 days with my family in Minnesota, then another 2 days with Arturo’s family before heading home to Colorado.  I also had a chance to get together with some friends and do some catching up which is always fun .

Of course I couldn’t help but be thinking of the upcoming transfer pretty much every moment of every day, but I feel like I kept my emotions under control for the most part and hopefully my family would agree.

While we were gone for Christmas, I was contacted out of the blue by an employer that I had interviewed with over a year ago.  He said he had another job opening and was wondering if I was interested.  Long story short, he offered me the job the next day.  At first I wasn’t sure, but eventually, it just seemed too good to be true.  So, I am starting a new job that is much more suited to my strengths and skillsets.  I am pretty excited about it and feel like it is the first step in a great 2016.

Today I told Arturo that I think 2016 is going to be our year.  When I said it I got choked up because I realized it was the first time I have felt a glimmer of hope in such a long time.

I stopped my birth control on December 22nd and the Dr. office said I would start my cycle on December 25th.   I told them that I didn’t think I would start my cycle until at least the 30th, but they assured me I would have it long before then.

Today I went in for my first appointment of labs and an ultrasound and they were super surprised when I told them I hadn’t started my cycle yet.  I guess I know my body a little better than they do.

But, despite not starting my cycle yet, my labs were at baseline and I was given the OK to start injections of Estradiol this evening.  These injections are super simple because they are very small doses (my first one tonight was only .05 ml) and not a very thick needle.  I give them to myself in my arm two times a week and will continue to do so until 6 weeks pregnant.

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So, everything is currently on schedule for a January 10th transfer.  It looks like Arturo will have to work again on the transfer day, but never fear!  My mom is going to fly in from Minneapolis.  She really wants to be here and as much as I like to say that I don’t need anyone, I’m super strong, I can do it all on my own, I realize that’s false.  I need lots of someones to support me through this and I am so grateful that my mom wants to be one of those someones.

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my messy mind

10 Dec

So, it has been quite a few months since I have written anything.  The truth is, I have been a mess of emotions that I haven’t known how to express and I just couldn’t put words to paper.  That is a really horrible place for me.  Usually, writing is my best outlet and when I can’t find words to express myself, it just feels really icky.

I’m in this place where my emotions feel completely out of my control.  I don’t like what I’m feeling and I don’t want to be feeling it.   I’m hoping to process through it and move into a better head space soon.

My body has been ready to do another transfer since September, but my brain has definitely NOT been ready.  I reasoned that once I made it through the month of September I would feel better and feel good about making plans for another transfer.

Wrong.

In October, I contacted the Dr. office when I started my cycle and they started talking about a November transfer.  I got a little bit panicky and told them I would like to wait until January.

I thought that trying around the holidays would be hard.  What if the transfer didn’t stick and I had to face all my family at Christmas?  I was afraid I would be too depressed and really didn’t want that to be the case.

And I justified it all in my mind with the fact that we are out of FSA money for 2015 and in January, we will have access to those funds again.  The transfer costs us about $500 out of pocket and so  I decided that financially it would make more sense to wait until then.

I think Arturo would have liked to begin the process sooner, but he has been really patient with me and didn’t try to push me to proceed sooner.

So, I decided January would be the month and I was just CERTAIN that I would feel 100% better by then.

Here’s the ugly truth about how I am feeling.

I don’t want to be pregnant.  I still want a baby.  I want a baby very badly.  I just DO NOT want to go through any of what it takes to get there.  It is so hard and I am so scared.  I feel crippled by this fear.  I find myself crying and panicking almost every time I think about the upcoming transfer.  If we didn’t have frozen embryos waiting for us, I would be done.  I have no desire to “try” again.  But, I can’t abandon my babies.

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I am dreading starting Progesterone shots again.  I think I am building it up in my mind to be a lot worse than it actually is, but I am definitely not excited about them.  My backside is still sore in a couple of places from where a nerve was hit and I haven’t been doing shots since July.

I feel so negative.  I am already expecting the transfer to either not stick, or result in another miscarriage.  It’s hard to see how the results could be any different than what I have already dealt with.  Loss, more loss, is all I can see.  And, I don’t know if I can survive more loss.

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I feel like a terrible mother for having these feelings.  I don’t want to admit them to myself and so putting them out here for you to read is a very vulnerable feeling.

So, this week, it got very real.  I started my cycle.  I called the tell the Dr. office and they had me start oral hormones.  Today they sent me my calendar for when I will have appointments and begin shots.  I started bawling.  Transfer is tentatively scheduled for January 11th.

THAT. IS. SO. SOON.

I have to feel better before then.  I have to.  I know I cannot go into this being a raging ball of crazy.

I didn’t put a Christmas tree up.  I told myself that I didn’t put it up because we are not going to be at home for Christmas, but the truth is, I just can’t get in the spirit.  And I’m not sending Christmas cards. What would I say? There is no joy or happy news. I thought I would be pregnant this Christmas.  I was planning to have maternity pictures taken.  And now, I’m not.  And, I am talking about the next pregnancy instead.

So, here I am, now telling myself, I will feel better after Christmas.  But, will I?  I realize now that it isn’t just going to happen.  I need to pursue peace.

I’m tired of feeling empty.

I’m tired of feeling broken.

I’m tired of feeling hopeless.

I’m tired of feeling scared.

I’m tired of feeling alone.

Please pray for me.  I so need it.

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