Archive | September, 2015

3 hours on earth, 3 years in heaven

27 Sep

Angel-215

Daddy please don’t look so sad, Mommy please don’t cry

Cause I’m in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God, don’t think He is unkind.

Don’t think He sent me to you and then changed His mind.

You see I’m a special child, I am needed up above.

I’m the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.

Look for the brightest star and know that’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You’ll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.

That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows

Know that it’s me planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug

Don’t be sad mommy, that’s just me giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy don’t look so sad and Mommy please don’t cry.

I’m in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies!

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now what?

6 Sep

I am in this limbo of waiting and trying to figure out what comes next. The thing is, the ball is in our court. The waiting is self-induced at this point. We could start making plans for a second transfer at any time, but I’m just not sure when that “anytime” should be.

I have this weird tugging in two directions that I’m not sure I can completely explain or that someone who hasn’t been through something similar could understand. But, I’m going to try.

I am being tugged in one emotional direction of wanting to give myself more time to heal, to recover, emotionally mostly. The thought of another miscarriage has me terrified at this point to be ready for pregnancy again.

And the other emotion that is tugging at me is this overwhelming mothering instinct to have my babies inside me. They are just waiting for me to be able to grow.

There are some other fears as well.

I’m afraid that another transfer will not yield another pregnancy. We are most likely going to transfer both our remaining embryos this next time, and so that is it. That will be our final chance at parenting a biological child on this earth.

And September is just a rough month for me in general. I don’t think I can make any decisions about any of this during the month of September.

My birthday is slowly approaching and I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate getting older and feeling like I have failed as a mother.

I celebrated my 30th birthday a week before Angel was born and now here comes my 33rd birthday and nothing has changed. Well, one thing has. I was pregnant, but now I’m not. I’ve lost another baby. Earlier this year, I was so positive that I would feel differently about my birthday this year. I was certain I would be pregnant and happy. But I’m neither.

And then of course, Angel’s 3rd birthday is coming. How can it even be possible that I have survived 3 years without him? That I have not been able to offer him anything? I failed him as a mother and I have to live with that reality for the rest of my life. And I don’t feel like I have done enough to honor his memory.

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I guess I am just feeling pretty horrible all around right now.

I did gain some insight a few weeks ago while talking to my best friend. We were talking about one of her friends who just tragically lost her husband and is now raising their kids without him. This reminded me of one of my dear friends from college who went through something similar. I told my best friend that I cannot imagine living through something like that and those two women have a strength I will never understand.

I was also thinking about my mom, all the health issues she has faced and endured and how her strength had always inspired me. She has always been my hero.

Then I thought about myself, how people say I am strong and I cannot see that in myself at all. I feel so weak most of the time, especially when I am in a downward spiral like this.

But, what I realized is that it is all about perspective. I view these other women as strong because I can’t imagine their pain, can’t fathom it, can’t understand living through it. And I guess others see me as strong for the same reason.

So I am going to stop being upset when people say I am strong because I understand now why they say it.

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