not many words right now

It’s been almost a month since I posted on my blog. I am just not sure what to say right now. I’m not sure what I feel. So, here are just a few graphics that speak what is on my heart right now.

My last pregnancy picture, at 9 weeks. My miscarriage happened at 10 weeks.

Dr appointment

Quick update from my blood work on Tuesday.

My hcg level is 20 and they are going to check it again next week. Once it gets back to 0,  or baseline, I can expect my bleeding to be done and we can start talking about when our next transfer will be.

So, basically, everything is normal physically.

healthy healing

It has been so nice with my mom here. I haven’t had time alone to sit and mope or dwell on the loss. I feel like I am healing and doing so in a really positive way.

When my mom and I were at Bible study this week, I had a thought about how much different my life and recovery are after this miscarriage versus my first one.

After my first miscarriage, I partied and was so depressed that I tried to kill myself and ended up in a Psych Ward. From there, I went to drug and alcohol rehab.

This is so much different. The first week of the miscarriage was rough spiritually. I felt numb and didn’t pray or read my Bible. Since then, I have been waking up every morning and spending the first couple hours of my day studying the Word. I guarantee that is what is making the difference in my psyche this time around.

It’s not perfect, but better.

The past couple of days I am feeling something new, though.

Have you ever felt like something is so hard that you just don’t want to try anymore? That is how this feels. If we didn’t have two more frozen embryos, I would be done. This is so hard. But then I remember this…

Last week one day my mom and I went to a movie. I sat there doing what I do every time I watch a movie…trying to guess what was going to happen next. Sometimes, movies are so predictable. It is so easy to tell what is coming next. Why can’t life be like that?

My dad came this weekend and we had a great time with him here too. He helped Arturo with a couple projects around the yard and garage and we all went to the Royal Gorge and rode the train. It was a great weekend. Here’s a picture of Arturo and I on the train in the open air car.

My dad is back home now but my mom will be here another week or so. Her and I are going to Women of Faith in Denver this weekend. I am so looking forward to that. I realized the last time we went to Women of Faith was less than a month after Angel died. Crazy how this has worked out again for us to be going after another loss.

I am still bleeding, slightly. I am going to the Doctor tomorrow for some blood work. They said everything is probably fine, they just want to check my hormone levels.