Archive | October, 2014

grieving pains

5 Oct

One thing I know very well about myself is that I should not be alone when I am depressed or grieving deeply.  And, that is the exact position I have found myself in the past couple of days.

Two years ago today was Angel’s funeral.  For the past couple of months, I have been thinking a lot about Angel’s birthday, but didn’t really think at all about the day of his funeral.  That is why I made sure to have a plan for the day of his birthday.  We had a great day.  We did a 5K in the morning with some friends and Arturo and I had birthday cake together in the afternoon.

As this week progressed though, I realized there was another tough day coming that I had done nothing to prepare myself for.

Last year, I spent this weekend in Kansas City at a NASCAR race with the world’s best group of co-workers.  I really wish I was there again.  It was such a fun weekend and I didn’t have any reason to be crying or withdrawn.

Well, this weekend, Arturo is working.  And, I tried to make some plans with friends, but they were busy.  So, I have found little motivation for doing anything at all.  I did get my house cleaned top to bottom.  I guess I am a lot like my mom that way.  When I am upset, I clean.  I did take a shower, but realized later that my hair felt pretty gross and I think I forgot to rinse the shampoo out.  I guess I couldn’t even manage a proper shower I am so out of it.

Also, last night, I forced myself to cook a nice supper for Arturo who had worked a 12 hour day.  But, when he came home…he didn’t like what I had cooked.  In my highly emotional state, this pretty much caused me to meltdown.  I spent the rest of the evening ridiculously mad at him for not liking a meal that I had worked so hard on.

I couldn’t make myself go to church this weekend either.  That is the one place I really do need to be when I am this down.  I just couldn’t do it.

I didn’t know I still had this much grieving left in me.  I thought I was so far past this and I am mad at myself that I wasn’t better prepared for these couple of days.  Before Arturo got home last night, I found myself in a total puddle crying and questioning God.  I don’t find myself in that state very often anymore and I don’t like it. I don’t like that I still have that inside me.  I want to be past all this.  I want to only feel joy and trust in God.  And, going through these past two days so down has me wondering if I have just been fooling myself into thinking that I am doing ok.

I miss you Angel.  I always will.

 

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