Archive | September, 2014

three hours nineteen minutes

27 Sep

I have been reliving this day all week. So, instead of posting something newly written, I wanted to share this post I wrote about the day of Angel’s birth. I am forever changed. Thank you Angel for all that you have taught me.

babyangel

If you were a stranger and passed me on the street, you probably wouldn’t know that I am hurting.  You wouldn’t be able to feel the depth of my pain and suffering.  It wouldn’t be evident that I held Angel in my arms while my baby was dying.  If you saw me on the street, I would probably have a smile on my face, so how would you know that inside I am broken?

But, know this. Even though you can’t see it, I will carry Angel with me forever.  I will always be Angel’s mama.  I loved Angel so much while I was carrying this baby in my womb and to look upon Angel’s face I was completely overwhelmed that I could love our baby even more than I ever thought imaginable.

Initially, I thought it might take me awhile to be able to write this, but I realized…

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new friends

25 Sep

I am making some new friends here in Colorado, friends unlike any I have in South Dakota.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have some great friends in South Dakota too.  Friends who were very caring, loving, and Godly people.  But, apart from my family and my co-workers (who are basically an extension of my family) there is no one else that I miss in South Dakota.

And, the reason is simple.  I don’t have any friends in South Dakota that I was “doing life” with.  Most of this is my own fault.  I have been holding people at arm’s length for so long, afraid to trust them, afraid to let them see me.  I made a decision in moving that I was not going to live a life of fear anymore and that meant to not hide myself from the world.  I have been putting myself out there, getting involved in people’s lives and letting them get involved in mine.

I haven’t had friends like these in years.  And, in fact, the friends that I have like this, are friends that I will carry with me for life and I believe those are the types of relationships I am forming again.

It is amazing how God has blessed me with women who are so similar to me.  I feel that I am getting and giving something from every new relationship I have formed.  It feels great to have friends to go to coffee with, to go shopping with, to talk about hair and make-up with, to go to church with, to go to Bible study with, to go to dinner with, and to encourage and pray for one another.

I didn’t even realize how much I was missing these types of friendships until I allowed myself to make them.

Side note…I love Colorado.  I love my new life here.

32

20 Sep

Again, this year, I have been dreading my birthday.  Nothing has changed since I turned 31.  We are still us two in our home with no idea as to when God plans to change that.  It seems that my birthday continues to come only to serve as a reminder of motherhood being far out of reach.

But, today, instead of focusing on these things, I am going to CHOOSE JOY!  And, amazingly, God gave me the perfect reading to remind me of His love for me.  I pray that it inspires you as well.

It is from the devotional Streams in the Desert by LB Cowman.

Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God? John 11:40

Mary and Martha could not understand what their Lord was doing.  Each of them had said to Him, “Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” And behind their words we seem to read their true thoughts: “Lord, we do not understand why you waited so long to come or how you could allow the man you love so much to die.  We do not understand how you could allow such sorrow and suffering to devastate our lives, when your presence might have stopped it all.  Why didn’t you come?  Now it’s too late, because Lazarus has been dead for four days!”  But Jesus simply had one great truth in answer to all of this.  He said, in essence, “You may not understand, but I am telling you that if you believe, you will see.”

Abraham could not understand why God would ask him to sacrifice his son, but He trusted Him.  Then he saw the Lord’s glory when the son he loved was restored to him.  Moses could not understand why God would require him to stay forty years in the wilderness, but he also trusted Him.  Then he saw when God called him to lead Israel from Egyptian bondage.

Joseph could not understand his brothers’ cruelty toward him, the false testimony of a treacherous woman, or the long years of unjust imprisonment, but he trusted God and finally saw His glory in it all.  And Joseph’s father, Jacob, could not understand how God’s strange providence could allow Joseph to be taken from him.  Yet later he saw the Lord’s glory when he looked into the face of his son, who had become governor for a great king and the person used to preserve his own life and the lives of an entire nation.

Perhaps there is something in your life causing you to question God.  Do you find yourself saying, “I do not understand why God allowed my loved one to be taken.  I do not understand why affliction has been permitted to strike me.  I do not understand why the Lord has led me down these twisting paths.  I do not understand why my own plans, which seemed so good, have been so disappointing.  I do not understand why the blessings I so desperately need are so long in coming.”

Dear friend, you do not have to understand all God’s ways of dealing with you.  He does not expect you to understand them.  You do not expect your children to understand everything you do-you simply want them to trust you.  And someday you too will see the glory of God in the things you do not understand.

PS- Happy Birthday to me.

 

choose joy

15 Sep

I recently had the opportunity to attend a Joyce Meyer conference in Colorado Springs.

One of the things Joyce said over and over has stuck with me and I am currently working on this in my daily life.  I am going to CHOOSE JOY!!

There are so many reasons that life can drag us down and make us feel defeated.  But, I am making a daily decision, each morning, to CHOOSE JOY instead!  I want people to think of me as happy, not depressed; as positive, not negative.

While I know that I have to do this daily, I also know that it isn’t going to always turn out like I want it to.  I will have good days and I will have bad days.  But, the important thing in that is to forgive myself and pray for a better tomorrow.

See, it is not about what life hands me.  It is about how I choose to respond.  The only thing I can control in the bad times is my attitude and how I let circumstances affect me.  And, I am making a commitment to CHOOSE JOY!

my family

14 Sep

May was a dark month for me, same as last year.  It is a time of so many reminders of what we have lost.  May brings Mother’s Day.  And in 2012, May was the month that we learned of Angel’s diagnosis.

This year in May, I found myself asking God, “Why?  Where is my family?  Why are you taking so long to answer the cries of my heart?”  And, at first, I didn’t hear an answer.  But, this wasn’t because God was ignoring me.  It was because I wasn’t listening to Him.

Over the month of May, I continued to doubt that God was going to fulfill His promises to me.  But, then something changed.  I began to hear Him above the noise in my head and the pain in my heart.

And, His answer was this, “I have given you family.  Your husband is your family.”

I took some time to sit with this and eventually, God’s answer brought me out of the darkness and into a newfound peace.  I never intended to be a wife, but I always planned to be a mother.  Well, from the answer He gave me, I realized more than ever that His ways are better than my ways and that His timing is not my timing.  I could not do life without Arturo walking with me, and God knew that much better than I ever did.

I began to feel at peace with my current family.  That peace does not mean I have given up hope of Arturo and I having more children.  Nor does it mean that I think God has forgotten His promises to us.  It just means that if we never did have any more children, I could still live a perfectly fulfilled and joyful life.  And I fully believe that is what God wants is for me to be filled with joy, love, and peace.

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