Archive | September, 2013

fiesta forever

29 Sep

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Yesterday, we had a birthday party for Angel. It meant a lot to me to be able to throw him a party that I think would have been very much the same if he would have been here. We had food, cake, conversation about his life, and released some balloons to heaven. Arturo and I did all the shopping, cooking, and decorating for the party together.  It feels good to be able to celebrate his life with the people who were there to experience his life.  I hope that we are able to do this every year as it feels like it is a great way to honor his life.  Here are a few pictures from the party that my friend Kimmy took.

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dear Angel

27 Sep

Dear Angel-

I don’t know how to write this letter to you. I don’t know how to express all that I need to say to you. I guess that is why I haven’t written this letter until now.

I miss you. I miss you so much and it hurts so badly. There is a literal physical pain involved with how much I miss you. 3 hours is not long enough. 3 hours is all I had to make a lifetime of memories. Recently, I have felt so helpless in my grief. I want to share you with the world and all I have are some pictures, trinkets, and my memories. You are not here and there is no way for me to explain to people what an amazing baby you were.

It’s your birthday. We are going to have a party and celebrate your life. It is going to be hard for me to do this because I want to do it with you. I want to put you in the highchair and take pictures of you eating your cake. I want to know if you would dive right in and make a mess or if you would hate to be dirty and barely touch the cake. When I sing “Happy birthday” I want to see your face and witness your reaction. Instead, we will do all these things without you and pray that you are watching us.

The day that you were born was the greatest day of my life. I am still surprised that through the pain there was infinite joy. I have never felt such a range of emotions in such a short time. I was terrified in the hours before you were born because I didn’t know what to expect and I knew that when they took you from my womb, I would have no way to protect you. In the first half hour of your life, I felt scared and helpless as I waited for the Doctors to give some answers on your health. I felt so much sadness as it became painfully obvious that we would only have you for a short time. I felt overwhelming guilt as I watched your father hold you for the first time, knowing that he would not get to raise you. Then I began to feel a peace as I held you and I even felt a peace in knowing that we would have to say goodbye. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in that room so strongly. I felt immeasurable love for you and for all that were there to share in your life. I felt calm as the hours passed and you were still with us. I was in complete shock when they said that your heart was not beating any more. It didn’t seem like it could be real. We had just spent three hours getting to know you and now they were telling me that I would have to say goodbye.

I have some regrets about that day, things I wish I would have done that I didn’t do. I wish I would have gotten a video of you. I wish I would have recorded the precious cooing sound that you were making. I wish I would have sang to you more. I wish we would have asked the nurses if Arturo could have been the one to bathe you. I would have loved to, but since I had surgery, I couldn’t get out of bed. I will never be able to get that day back and so it is hard to know that there are things I could have done and didn’t do.

This past year has been very difficult. I am not only mourning the loss of who you were, but the loss of who you would have been. I will never know. And, I mourn the loss of the privilege to mother you on this earth. Being your mother is the greatest gift God has given me and it is hard to understand why He had to take you away so soon.

People sometimes ask me if I talk to you, or if I feel your presence. Truth is, no. This is the first time I have communicated with you since you went to heaven. It has seemed like it would be too painful to direct my thoughts to you. I am sorry for that. I am going to try and be better about including you in my life. I am always thinking about you, always. So many things remind me of you. It seems constant.

When you are looking down on us, I hope you can see how you have changed my world. I hope you can see that you have made me a much more compassionate woman. Your father and I love each other more each day and I know that you played a big part in that. I have involved myself in raising money for two amazing organizations in your honor. I never would have gotten involved in these causes if it wasn’t for you. You are touching lives all over the globe and that makes me so proud. Your life and the way that I have told your story have encouraged other moms to reach out to me and talk to me about their struggles. I have bonded with women all over the world and some of them I have never even met face to face. If I never do get the chance to meet them on earth, I will be blessed to meet them in heaven one day.

I know that you are the lucky one. You are in heaven where there is no more pain. You have a beautiful, whole body and you are perfect in every way. I can’t wait until the day that we are re-united, but I know that I have more life to live here on earth before that happens. It is hard to do it without you and I am so grateful that I have a loving support system to walk with me.

I was looking at some pictures of you from the day you were born, pictures of you being delivered. When I see you with that cord wrapped around your neck three times, and your poor little legs connected, it makes me realize more and more what a miracle your life was. You were a fighter and I am so proud to be your momma.

You will never be forgotten.

I love you. I miss you.

Til we meet again,
Your momma

svu

26 Sep

I was watching one of my favorite shows tonight, Law & Order SVU and Detective Olivia Benson said the following to a victim. It spoke to me about my grief and I wanted to share it.

victim : “This isn’t gonna be easy.”

Detective Benson: “You know what I’ve seen. Is that people who have gone through unfair, horrific experiences, is that they have this will. And, when they get support, they not only survive…they can thrive.”

31

19 Sep

I am a HUGE fan of my birthday. It brings out the kid in me to talk about my birthday and remind people of it for at least a month in advance. I am into shameless self-promotion when it comes to my birthday. This year though, I have not been able to get excited about my special day. By the way, it is tomorrow.

I have never thought I would be one of those girls that freaked out about getting older. But, I am starting to be one. It is not because I think that 31 is old. I just think that 31 is old to not have any kids to raise. When my mom turned 31, I was 12 years old and my brother was 10. When I graduated from high school, my mom was still in her late 30s.

At 31, this is just not how I thought my life would look. In my mid-twenties, it seemed pretty obvious that I was not going to be married at a young age. So, I set a goal that I would have kids by the time I was 30. I wasn’t concerned about the whole husband thing. I just knew that there was something inside me that was SCREAMING, “I NEED TO BE A MOM.”

So, the first trick God played on me was placing in my path the most perfect man who completes me in every way I need completing. It is overwhelming to me how he loves me and how my love continues to grow for him. He is everything I need. AND he shares my desire to be a parent. So, as you know from my previous ramblings, we set out to make a family almost right away.

So, here we are, two and a half years into our marriage. I am turning 31, not getting any younger, and we are still just us two in our home. Am I happy? Yes. I am happier with him and in our marriage than I ever thought possible. I never thought I could be happy or that I deserved happiness.

I continue to remind myself that we are a family even if we are always just us two. It is just hard to understand why God has placed the two of us together, both with such a strong desire to parent kids that we get to raise, but leaves our home empty. So, I guess, this birthday has just served as another reminder of what we have lost and what we still do not have.

Last year, on this day, I was pregnant and very unsure of what God had planned for Angel’s life. His life did not go as we had hoped and so I have found it very difficult to hope for anything. One year later, after taking no precautions, I am not pregnant and am starting to feel like I never will be. I know that one year might not seem like very much time, but to me, it seems like eternity.

For the first six months or so after Angel’s birth, I was scared to ask of anything from the Lord. I was afraid to ask and to feel that He wasn’t answering. I found it difficult to pray at all. Recently, I have found myself crying out to Him, telling Him that I am ready. I beg and plead for Him to give me a baby. But, His ways are not my ways and I do not know that He will ever answer my cries in the way I want Him to.

I wish this birthday had not come to serve as another reminder that I have an Angel sized hole in my heart.

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