Archive | July, 2013

it’s been awhile

17 Jul

Sorry I have been silent for so long. To be honest, I kind of had to be silent. For about a month there, I felt like I was on the verge of a mental break and was afraid that if I gave myself any room to vent it would just be a total mess of emotions that didn’t have any focus. So, I instead buried myself very deeply in my work and pretty much just shut everything else out. That worked for awhile, but eventually, work slowed down, and my head started spinning again. So, I gave myself permission to feel again, and I am now…maybe…starting to feel alright again for the first time in over a year.

May was just a particularly hard month for me because it was a month of so many anniversaries.

As Mother’s Day approached, all I could think about was how last year, I was pregnant and blissfully unaware that there was a problem with the baby. So, this year, as Mother’s Day approached, I could do nothing else but to think of everything I have lost. I didn’t want to even acknowledge the day. So, I went to work.

Then, as we began to approach May 22 and 23, I pretty much just fell apart. Last year, on May 21, I had a dream that my baby did not have a heartbeat and was dead. Last year, on May 22, I went to an ultrasound that did not go well, although I did not know yet what the problem was. Last year, on May 23, I sat in a Doctor’s office and listened to him tell me that my baby would not live. Last year, on May 24, I sat in another Doctor’s office and had things explained a little more clearly and was told I should start making funeral arrangements.

This year, all I could do was to think about everything that has happened since then and to just feel sorry for myself. I wanted nothing more than for the pain to end. I couldn’t help but think that if I had done things differently when I first learned of the news, maybe I would not still be hurting so badly one year later. If I had just become a cold, emotionless, shell of a person I wouldn’t have felt any of this pain.

Looking back now, it seems that God gave me that dream as a sign to let me know that I would not be raising this baby on earth. I have read about other mothers in very similar situations, who were also given dreams like mine. So, why did I hold out hope that things would be different? I felt so stupid. When I learned there was a problem, why couldn’t I just wash my hands of my baby and move on? Why couldn’t I separate all emotion, listen to what the Doctors were telling me, and say goodbye to the baby?

When I think about the decisions to carry the baby, name the baby, focus on his life instead of his death, love him unconditionally no matter what happened, I know those are the only decisions I could make at the time. But, for the month of May 2013, I was hurting so deeply, that I couldn’t help but question everything I had done in the past year. Were my decisions stupid and naïve? That is what I thought. It would have been so much easier if I would have at least let myself make funeral arrangements instead of telling myself that I couldn’t do that while Angel was still alive.

On May 23, I didn’t go to work. I couldn’t move for most of the day. I didn’t cry really. I was just numb.

In June, I finally gave myself permission to see a counselor. I had met with her one other time after Angel’s funeral. She is such a wonderful lady. She and her husband actually own the funeral home that did Angel’s service. She is a licensed grief counselor as well. She helped me to sort some of this out and in the weeks since talking with her, I have come to agree with the things she told me.

I made the only decisions I was able to make at the time. I had to hold out hope in order to survive the situation. I couldn’t make funeral arrangements and that is okay. It was not wrong. I had to give Angel all the love I had. I was not stupid or naïve. I made the decisions that God wanted me to make with my husband in full agreement along the way.

Also, while I have said that I do not really agree with the whole philosophy of “trying” to have a baby, I cannot help but think of more babies. For six months or so, I was taking my temperatures in the morning and trying to chart my ovulation. I told myself that I was doing this just as a method of trying to help the process along. But, every time I would get my period, I would go into this deep depression and question myself and what we were doing wrong. In June, I told Arturo that I was not going to take my temperatures any more. It is too much pressure and too hard when I find out I am not pregnant. He agreed and was glad that I was not going to be doing this. God will give us a baby when He wants to, on His time, and in His own way.

Since coming to peace with all this, I have felt happier. It has been almost 10 months since Angel left earth and I am by no means okay…but I do at least feel happy again.

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