Archive | May, 2013

second trimester

22 May

Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I would have let Angel go last May when I first learned of his diagnosis. At the time I made what seemed like the only decision that could be made and I realize now it was the most difficult choice. I have moments where I think if I had ended the pregnancy, I would be past the pain by now. But then I realize everything I would have lost if I had done that. It has been a very difficult year and I cannot say I have always handled it with grace , but I am trying.

babyangel

Up to this point, everything I have written on this blog has flowed very easily.  I have not had to stumble for words or search for ways to express my feelings.  But, I have had much difficulty in trying to process and share about the next phase of our pregnancy.  I am having a hard time accepting the harsh reality of this situation.  I wake up often and think that it must have been a bad dream.  I start to feel “alright” and then I have to go to the Doctor and I get slapped in the face all over again.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.  I can’t imagine anything being more painful than this.  I feel like I am dying daily and I just can’t believe that this could possibly be happening.

After our 11 week ultrasound, I definitely…

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getting it sorted

2 May

Recently, I received some news that made me feel happy, sad, angry, jealous, scared, and guilty all at the same time. Then, I felt confused to be feeling this all at the same time and it took me quite awhile to process it all.

In February, my brother and his wife called me to give me some news that they seemed hesitant to reveal. I knew there was only one piece of news they would have to be nervous to tell me and so I guessed, “You’re having a baby.” I was right. And, I was immediately flooded with all the emotions I listed above.

Happy-I am happy for them. Of course I am. I am going to be an aunt to a beautiful baby, so I am happy for me too. They are going to be very loving and wonderful parents who will raise their children with Godly principles. I think more than anything, I WANT to be happy for them, so I am trying to be completely focused on that emotion.

Sad-I am sad for what we have lost, what we don’t have. They will get to raise their baby here on earth while my son is being raised in heaven. I cannot help but be sad about that. For the first two days or so after hearing the news, I was so depressed it actually felt like I was grieving Angel all over again for the very first time. It felt as horrible as it did on the day I received his diagnosis in May of 2012.

Angry-I am angry that things like this happen. Why is it that Arturo and I, who wanted and planned for our son so badly long before he was conceived, do not get to raise him? All the while my brother and his wife, who were actually not planning to start a family until later, and were very shocked about the news, get to raise their baby? I am angry about this. I am not angry with them of course. It is not their fault any more than it is anyone else’s fault that Angel is not here with me. I am just angry about the situation.

Jealous-I cannot explain how jealous I am about their baby. I am so jealous in fact, that I am worried I won’t even want to hold their baby. I have not held an infant baby, besides Angel, since I first learned of Angel’s diagnosis. I can’t make myself and I am terrified that I will have a hard time bonding with their baby.

Scared-Ever since I found out this news, I have been terrified that their baby would not live. I have prayed against this fear so many times. There is no reason for me to be afraid of this. I find myself afraid for all babies when I hear of an expecting mother. Instead of assuming everything is fine, I automatically assume that there is a problem of some kind. I struggle the most with this emotion because I know that it is not logical.

Guilty-I feel guilty for feeling all these things. I do not want to feel these negative emotions. It is miserable to feel badly over something as joyous as a new baby! Babies are a blessing and I should not be anything but happy!

Confused-As I have worked on processing all these things and getting closer to only feeling happiness about this news, I have continued to remain confused.

Grief is so confusing. It is confusing to be feeling something that you don’t want to feel and to not be able to control the way you want to feel. It is confusing to know that the things I am feeling are not logical and to not be able to make them go away.

On a positive note, my brother and his wife went in to have their anatomy ultrasound, and baby is healthy and happy. When I heard the news from my brother, I broke down crying right away and I am happy to say that those tears were driven by pure happiness and relief.

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