Archive | January, 2013

four months

28 Jan

Yesterday was rough.  It was one of the roughest days I have had in awhile.  Yesterday, January 27, marked four months in heaven for Angel.  I was miserable yesterday.

As I was getting ready for church, I realized it was the 27th.  I felt okay about it at first.  I made it through most of the church service without being too upset.  Then, gradually, I just started feeling really crappy.  I was picturing myself going home and getting in bed for the rest of the day.  I was trying so hard to fight giving into this feeling.  But, by the time we got home, I felt much worse.  I managed to warm up some lunch and sit in the living room for a little bit.  I have been meaning to order some pictures for my Pastor and his wife from the day Angel was born and there was a Shutterfly sale that ended yesterday, so I got the pictures ordered.  This task seemed almost impossible and after I finished I gave in and went to my bed.  I stayed there the rest of the day.

I didn’t spend any time crying.  I just felt immobilized.  Arturo laid with me for most of the afternoon and watched TV.  Evening came and he wanted me to go with him to go see his parents.  I couldn’t.  I tried to make myself, but I couldn’t.  He told me that Angel would not want me to be sad like this.  I know he is right and I guess I should have pushed myself a little harder, but I think I just needed one day like this.  I don’t allow myself much time to feel sorry for myself.  When he left, I went to sleep and slept until almost 10:00 last night.  Then, I woke up hungry but unable to get up and fix myself anything to eat.  When Arturo came home, I got him to cook me some eggs.  He made me get up out of bed to eat them.  Shortly after I ate, I went right back to bed and stayed there until this morning.

I woke up feeling better today.  It is crazy how I can let that one day…the 27th of the month…do that to me.  I hope that next month I will work harder to push through it, but yesterday, I just couldn’t.

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50 blessings

23 Jan

My mom is turning 50 tomorrow, January 24th and I took some time to sit down and write out 50 ways that she has blessed me.  You might not think this post relates to anything else that I have written in this blog, but it does.  It really does.  Without my mom, this blog wouldn’t be possible.  This woman gave me life and has had a huge hand in shaping me into the woman I am today.  I love you mom.  Thank you.

50 ways that my mom has blessed my life

1.      When I was a baby, she wrote me a lullaby and continued to sing that song to me throughout my childhood and adolescence.

2.      She thanks me for making her a mother.

3.      I don’t think a day has ever gone by without her telling me she loves me.

4.      Whenever we part ways, she always wants to give me a hug and a kiss.  If one of us is sick and I refuse the affection, she looks as though it literally pains her to not be able to kiss me.

5.      She taught me to sing and is still my biggest fan.

6.      She is the best singer I know.

7.      She constantly reminds me to put on my seatbelt.

8.      She has always been very open with me and as a result I feel I can be very open with her.

9.      She truly is Dr. Mom.  When I face a health problem, I call my mom.  She will know what is wrong and what to do.

10.  I love playing Scrabble with her, the old-fashioned way, with an actual game board!

11.  She is a prayer warrior.  When I know of someone that needs prayer, I always tell her because I know that she will get on her knees and pray for the need.

12.  She never gave up on me and there were times when it would have been easy to.

13.  She is my one of my favorite comedians…without meaning to be.  She has had some of the ditziest moments ever and whenever I think of them, they always cause me to laugh.

14.  She is a fantastic cook and she taught me how to cook.

15.  She used to do devotions with my brother and I in the mornings before school.

16.  She required my brother and me to do chores which taught me a couple things (16 & 17).

17.  She taught me the value of hard work.

18.  She taught me how to keep my house clean.

19.  She is always concerned about my safety.

20.  Whenever she comes to my house, she waters my plants and gets rid of the dead parts. (I have a black thumb.)

21.  She is beautiful.

22.  She tells me I am beautiful.

23.  She likes to snuggle me.

24.  When I was pregnant, she was one of the only ones that would rub my tummy and talk to Angel almost every time she saw me.

25.  She cries when I cry and laughs when I laugh.

26.  She always puts others ahead of herself.

27.  I love when she has bed head hair.

28.  She is silly.

29.  She makes good monkey faces.

30.  She loves my dad.

31.  She says my dad is the most handsome man in the world and I know that she means it.

32.  She taught me that there is no love greater than a mother’s love.

33.  She is a miracle.

34.  She is small, but mighty.

35.  She likes to do “kid” things, like make snow angels, make gingerbread houses, eat candy, watch SpongeBob SquarePants, and laugh at her Tickle Me Elmo.

36.  When we were little, my brother loved Cookie Monster.  She used to read a Cookie Monster book to him and do the voice.

37.  She draws Wally the Walrus.  That is really the only thing she can draw, but he is a pretty cute Wally the Walrus.

38.  She looks at a beautiful sunset and says, without a doubt, “I wish I could paint that.”

39.  She makes the world’s best homemade macaroni and cheese.

40.  She laughs really loud at funny movies, just like me.

41.  She loves my husband and calls him her son.

42.  She encourages my writing and tells me that every one of my blog posts are her favorite one 🙂

43.  Everything I learned about being a wife and mother, I learned from her.

44.  She tells me that I am a good wife.

45.  She tells me that I am a good mother.

46.  She loves to buy me little things to let me know that she was thinking about me.

47.  She gives my dog treats against my wishes. She just can’t help herself.  This tells me that she is going to be spoiling her grandkids someday 🙂

48.  She talked and sang to me from the time I was in the womb.

49.  Even when she doesn’t feel good (which is most of the time) if I had an emergency, she would be there no matter what.

50.  She is my best girlfriend.

support group

20 Jan

I live in a relatively small town with no infant loss support group of any kind.  I am thinking it would be very beneficial for me and know there are others in town that have this need also.  I was wondering if any of you have any information or advice on how to get one started.  Also, if you know anyone in town that has this need also, let me know or let them know about me.  I am thinking it doesn’t really have to be anything formal, like linked with a national organization or something.  It could just be a group of moms and dads who need to get together and talk about their loss with someone who understands their grief.

gratitude part 2

17 Jan

This next list is going to be comprised of things that I am grateful for relating to Angel.  Some of these things and people I may have mentioned before, some I might not have.  Again, this serves as a good reminder for me of all my blessings.

I remember one night this summer, Arturo and I were sitting out in our backyard by our fire pit, when Arturo’s brother called him.  They spoke about a few different things and I don’t really remember the whole conversation.  The part I am grateful for is that when they spoke about the baby, he said that he was just absolutely sure that the baby was going to be fine.  He said the baby was going to be a boy and that he was going to live for a very long time and be a wild child that would drive us crazy.  He said his name was going to be Stinky Pete.  I think that he really truly did believe that there was nothing to worry about.  His hope gave me hope and I will never forget his words.  I love you Jordan.  Thank you.

My 30th birthday was exactly one week before Angel was born.  I am a HUGE birthday person.  I LOVE my birthday.  A few days before my birthday, we had been to see the Dr. and he had encouraged us to move our c-section up one week.  All of a sudden, I was having a really hard time getting excited about my birthday.  My boss made the day so special.  His wife Tara baked me a cake, probably the best chocolate cake I have ever had in my life.  He brought me balloons and a card.  He had one of my co-workers bring in cupcakes, black cupcakes shaped like the number 30.  And, he had a candy bouquet sent to my house.  I was overwhelmed by everything my boss and co-workers did for my birthday and I didn’t even really know to express my gratitude without being emotional.  Thank you Michael.

My mom crocheted a blanket for Angel.  She made that blanket big enough to wrap three babies up in it.  It is beautiful and I will always have it as a keepsake of my son and his grandma’s love for him. Thank you mom.

My mother-in-law bought a teddy bear for Angel that recites Bible verses.  While I was still pregnant, I would sit in the rocking chair and rock the baby and play the Bible verses to him.  It meant so much to me to have it.  Thank you mom.

One of my co-workers had planned to make Angel a baby quilt before we had gotten news of the diagnosis.  After we found out about the diagnosis, several people who had plans to do things for the baby, including myself, just kind of put all those plans on hold.  But, Mary came to me one day and told me that she was still going to make me the quilt.  She gave it to me about a week before he was born.  It is beautiful and I cherish it.  Thank you Mary.

My sister-in-law Aubrey is a Doctor.  I have always thought of Doctors as pretty important people.  When she found out which day Angel would be born, this pretty important person who lives almost 600 miles away, wanted to be there.  She had planned to come the day after he was born, but part way through the day of his birth, she cleared her schedule, got in the car, and drove to be with us.  She is the only one of Angel’s aunts or uncles that got to hold him before we said our final goodbyes to him.  She stayed for a few days, long enough to be a blessing to us (she cooked us some yummy food and gave me a really pretty dragonfly night light), and made the long drive home.  When she left, we didn’t in any way expect that she would be able to come back for the funeral.  But, she did.  And she brought her husband Rob and our two nieces.  I should actually say Rob brought them since he was the one piloting the plane.  Love you Rob, Aubrey, Reagan, and Maddie.

When we were making funeral plans, I wanted to let all our immediate family know of the date we were choosing and find out if they wanted to be there, could be there or not.  My sister-in-law Celina lives more than just a car ride away.  She lives across the country.  It is an expensive trip for her to make and we in no way would have been hurt if she couldn’t make it.  We would have totally understood.  When I initially told her the date, she didn’t think she would be able to come and we understood.  Either later that day or the next day, she told me she would be coming.  It meant so much to have her here and not only did she come, but she gave me a beautiful necklace.  It is a gold baby ring with a sapphire (his and my birthstone) on a chain.  She also read a poem at the funeral that I had picked out.  I appreciate you so much Celina.  I love you.

We received many gifts, memorials, plants, and flowers in memory of Angel.  Probably the most unique one came from my friend Jodi.  She had meant to get it to us on Angel’s birthday.  She contacted me and told me that it would be at my house when we got home from the hospital.  So, when we got home from the hospital on the 29th, there, on our front step was a beautiful apple tree.  She had written a beautiful card to us about how the tree would be a way for us to remember Angel.  Arturo planted it in our backyard and even now, in the winter months, I can look out in the backyard, see the tree, and think of Angel.  Thank you Jodi.

There are so many more people and blessings I could mention and if you are reading this and are sad I didn’t mention you, I am sorry.  These are just some of the things that stuck out in my mind today as I was writing this.  I am truly grateful for all the blessings we received and still receive from those of you that have encouraged us along this journey.

gratitude part 1

15 Jan

In November, I took the facebook challenge and found something to be thankful for every single day.  Finding this attitude of gratitude really helped me to focus on all my blessings and not be so negative and depressed about the loss of Angel.  It was a huge help in my healing process.  In trying to keep with that thought process, I am going to be writing about those things that I am grateful for on my blog.  It will serve as a great reminder for me and I hope it will inspire you to be more thankful also.

I am thankful, so thankful for the miracle of Angel’s life.  I am thankful for the months I got to spend carrying Angel, bonding in ways I never thought possible.  I am thankful for the 3 hours and 19 minutes that we got to spend with our son before he went home to be with Jesus.  I am grateful that Angel got to meet all of his grandparents.  I am thankful that on the day he was born, I got to take a nap with him, even after he had gone to be with Jesus.  I am thankful I will carry Angel in my heart until I get to hold him again in heaven.

I am grateful for a loving husband who loves me despite all my flaws.  I am grateful he is patient with me and supports me during my grief.  I am thankful that God knew he is the exact man I need to walk through life, the good and the bad.  I am thankful he lets me run the show until I feel too out of control to make any decisions at all and he steps in to take over.  I am grateful for all the many lessons I have learned from him and that we have both matured in this relationship.  I am happy that I love him more everyday and having him proves that God loves me.

I am thankful for how many lives worldwide have been touched by Angel’s story.  There are people in over 35 countries reading this blog, reading about Angel’s life.  I am thankful that because of Angel’s life, so many of you have reached out to me and helped me through the hardest time in my life.  I thank God for the wonderful group of friends, family, and strangers He has brought me to carry me through.

I am thankful for a friend that I have always been able to count on, for a friend that always allows me to be open and honest with her.  She never judges me for my thoughts, feelings, or actions.  She has been a huge support to me through so many things in my life and especially now in this season of losing Angel, she has been a rock that I know I can lean on.  While she is busy being a mother, a wife, a teacher, she still finds time to support me and love on me.  I don’t know where I would be in life without this wonderful friend.  I love you Kimmy.

When I was growing up, I always wanted a sister.  While I never had any sisters, I am thankful that through marriage I not only have one, but FIVE sisters!  These women have blessed me in so many ways.  They are all incredibly unique and talented.  I thank God for my sisters, Tori, Aubrey, Brittney, Celina, and Jackie.  Love you ladies!

I am so thankful that my brother has always loved me unconditionally and he has been there for me at times when I have felt completely alone.  I am grateful he is so insightful and he challenges me with his wisdom.  I am inspired by the way he loves people and daily strives to be completely submitted to God’s will.  I am so proud to be his sister.  I love you Adam.

I feel so incredibly blessed to work for such a supportive company.  I sort of fell into this job by chance, never dreaming that I would work in grain and agronomy, never expecting to stay for so long.  After all we have been through with Angel, I can’t imagine a different career path that would have allowed me so much lenience in my grief.  For Angel’s funeral, we received four different plants from my company and three separate memorials.  It is incredible to have the support and care of my boss and my co-workers.  It makes it so much easier to come to work when I know these people truly care about me, about our loss.

Where would I be without my dad?  He is a man who has taught me so many valuable lessons.  He taught me what a good husband and father look like.  He taught me the value of hard work.  He taught me to strive for success in every area of my life.  I am thankful that he has been my voice of reason countless times.  I am grateful that he loves me for who I am and has forgotten who I was.  I love you dad!

My mom is my best-friend.  She has taught me so many things about what it means to be a woman, a mother, a wife.  In the face of overwhelming health problems, she has never lost faith.  She is an inspiration to me.  She is a prayer warrior and I believe God has heard her prayers for me countless times.  We have so much fun together, laughing and being silly.  Love you mom!

I am thankful for my father-in-law, Dale.  I am thankful he is a Mr. Fix-It and that he has helped us with many of our projects at our house.  I am thankful for all that he has taught Arturo about what it means to be a man.  I am grateful that I know I can go to him when I need some help getting through to Arturo.  I love his sense of humor!  Love you dad!

I am thankful that my mother-in-law, Monica, was persistent in her plan to adopt Arturo.  Because of her persistence and listening to God’s leading, she gave him life.  She is so creative and talented.  She is an amazing cook…I love her cheesecakes!  I love the way she is so accepting of everyone and makes anyone that comes into her home feel welcome.  I am thankful that she is more than my mom, she is my friend.

I am thankful for our Pastor Dean.  He and his wife Nancy have been there for us during the most important moments of our lives.  They were there for our wedding, our son’s birth, and our son’s funeral.  They are there for us as a friend to lean on and wise counsel when we need it.  So grateful for the calling God has placed on their lives!

I have much more to say on this subject, but I am going to leave it at this for now.  Gratitude part 2 coming soon…

 

moving forward

14 Jan

I have reached a new stage in my grief.  I am not sure what stage this is, but it feels much better.  It feels like I am doing some healing.

I am no longer angry when I hear of another couple being pregnant.  I no longer feel a twinge of jealousy when I find out that their baby is healthy.  I no longer feel intense sadness when I hear that they get to take their baby home from the hospital.  I now feel sad for myself for what I have lost, but am able to rejoice with others as they bring new life into this world.  I still have moments of pain upon hearing other’s good news, but I have made a conscious decision to not be angry.  There is no logical reason to feel anger at another couple for bringing their baby home just because I couldn’t.  It is not their fault anymore than it is mine.  There is no reason to not congratulate the couple and be happy for them when they have good news.  I needed to let myself feel these things though in order to move through them.  This is in no way saying that I am done grieving, but I am moving forward.  I am healing.

Thank you Jesus for bringing me through the worst of it.

 

Pray for My Mom

10 Jan

Click the link to read a post my brother wrote today on his blog.  And yes, pray for my mom.

 

Pray for My Mom.

in the beginning…

9 Jan

When Adam and Eve were driven from the Garden of Eden, God also told Eve that childbirth would become an unpleasant experience for her and for all women.

To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children…” Genesis 3:16

Even though she knew this, the first thing Adam and Eve did when they left the Garden was to have a baby.

Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. Genesis 4:1

And, although she did experience this pain that God promised, she rejoiced in her son’s birth, giving all the credit to God.

She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man!” Genesis 4:1

Eve very easily could have died in childbirth.  Her son could have died in childbirth.  She did not take Lamaze classes.  She did not have a monitor to watch her contractions or the baby’s heartbeat.  She was not given an epidural to ease the pain.  There was no Doctor.  It was her, Adam, and God.  She suffered through and became the mother of all mankind.  AND, despite all that she went through to bring life to Cain, she decided to go through it all again to give birth to Abel.

It doesn’t say this in the Bible, but I wonder if when God made that promise to Eve, that childbirth would be very painful, if it included all of pregnancy.  As women, we go through so many unpleasant things during the nine months that we carry our babies.  Everyone’s experiences are unique and everyone handles these months differently.  While I was pregnant, I chose to not dwell on the symptoms and instead focus on the life growing inside me.  It was very easy for me to do this because I knew that this time was precious.  If I thought I had a whole lifetime to spend with Angel, I might have given in to the temptation to whine and complain.  And, I think that with the hope of future pregnancies, no matter what the situation, because of what I know now, I will treat the pregnancy the same way.

I didn’t go through labor because of the c-section and for that I am so grateful.  I never felt a contraction.  But, there were plenty of other pains; most of them were in my heart.

I do look back now at the extreme nausea and vomiting that I endured during my second and third trimester, and it actually makes me laugh.  Like, the time Arturo and I were car shopping and as we stood in the lot, right as the salesman came over to us, I puked everywhere.  Or, the morning that I came to work, opened the fridge to put my lunch in, got overtaken by all the smells, and puked all over the wall, counter, and floor.  Then, I had to clean it up and try not to puke again.  One morning, as Arturo and I drove to church, we chowed down on breakfast burritos from Taco John’s.  I ate mine too fast because before I had even finished it, it was coming back up.  I managed to hit the Taco John’s bag.  But, as I carried it in the church to the garbage, the bottom broke out of it and there was puke all over the church parking lot.  So, as I attempted to clean that up and carry it into the church, I dropped it again in the lobby.  Then, before I could get that mess cleaned up, my dad just happened to step in it.  Oh man.  That was an embarrassing one.  Probably the funniest story was one day we were sitting at McDonald’s eating breakfast and I had to blow my nose.  I had such problems with congestion and runny nose during my pregnancy.  So, I went to the bathroom to blow my nose and while I was blowing, I realized I had to pee.  As I sat down to pee, I realized I needed to puke.  So, I got up from the toilet to puke in it, and the force of the puke caused me to pee all over the bathroom floor.  Another mess to clean up.  I was just glad no one was there to witness that one.

It has always amazed me when I listen to women tell stories of their labor.  Not very many of them tell it like it really is.  They don’t describe in detail how painful and horrible it was.  I hear them oftentimes say, “It wasn’t as bad as everyone says it is going to be.”  And, very shortly after going through this horrendous pain, many of them will say to their spouses, “Let’s have another baby.”  Really?  Knowing what you know now…you still want to do this again?  And women all over the world do.  They bring life into the world again and again even with all the unpleasantness.  They continue to bring forth creation.  It amazes me.  I believe that only God can give women all this pain and suffering and then change the memory of it to…oh…it wasn’t that bad.  The good outweighs the bad.

When you lose a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death, it is different, though.  The thought of the next pregnancy will certainly bring fear.  How could it not?  I find myself being fearful for other women’s pregnancies.  I am anxious until I hear that they have made it past the anatomy ultrasound.  Oh thank God.  Everything is okay.  Their baby has all its organs.  After my miscarriage, I was terrified that I would have another one.  When I made it past the point of miscarriage with Angel, I thought I had nothing left to fear.  Now, if there is a future pregnancy, I imagine that I will be a wreck until I make it past the 20 week mark.  The thought of another pregnancy brings so many emotions, emotions that I do not think I am ready to face.  But, we have decided to leave this in God’s hands.  If/when He decides it is time to give us another baby, I will trust that His timing is perfect, and proceed with His plan.  And, I will find a way to rejoice every time I puke. 🙂

in other news…

1 Jan

For a couple months now, I have been dealing with another issue besides the death of my son.  Up until now, I haven’t shared this publically.  We shared this with a few key people that I knew would pray for me, but that is basically it.  At first, I didn’t want to tell anyone at all, not even my mom who I tell everything to.  But, then I realized that not telling anyone would be limiting God’s power.  I know that it is prayer that has carried me through to this point and I need to continue to rely on that moving forward.

On November 9th, I went in for my six week post-partum check-up.  I thought this would be a seemingly normal appointment.  I expected her to tell me that my blood pressure was still too high and that it was okay for us to start “trying” again.  I went to the appointment alone because it was no big deal.  Turns out, I was completely wrong.

Up until this appointment, the conversation about “trying” to have more babies was a very difficult one.  I didn’t want anyone to think that I could just forget Angel and move on to another baby.  But, I was also afraid that it was going to take just as long to get pregnant as it did last time and I didn’t want to wait too long because, well, frankly, I am getting old.  Every year, I have less years of fertility and also, the older I get, the more chances there are of something going wrong with pregnancy.  I can’t face anymore problems.   I hope I never have to face anymore problems during pregnancy, but if I do, I know that God will still be in control and that He will see me through them.

So, on that day, I sat in her office and showed her pictures of Angel and talked about his short, but memorable life.  I then asked her if she thought it was okay to start trying again.  She said, “Well, we have to do your colposcopy first.”  My col-what?  She proceeded to tell me that towards the beginning of my pregnancy when she had done a Pap Smear, it came back with abnormal results. There was nothing she wanted to do about it during pregnancy, but now, she wanted to do a procedure called a “colposcopy” to determine whether or not I had cervical cancer.  I don’t really remember much else of what she said as she tried to explain the procedure and so on; all I could hear was CANCER.  I asked her if it was in any way related to what happened to Angel and she said no.  The soonest she could get me in for the procedure was December 18th.  I would have to wait more than a month and I already felt I was going to go crazy with this news.

As I left her office that day, I was a mess.  All I could think was, “What else could possibly go wrong?  Why me?”  I became terrified that there would be no more chances for a baby.  I went home to find Arturo just getting up for the day (still working nights) and I gave him the news.  I was bawling and he held me and told me he was sorry.  I was so thankful that my appointment had been in the afternoon and I didn’t have to go back to work.  I wouldn’t have been able to.  Arturo and I talked about it and decided not to tell anyone because we were afraid that when people heard the word CANCER, they would become as initially freaked out as I was.  I needed to do all that I could to remain calm about this news and hope for the best.  There was no reason to worry about a disease that I probably didn’t even have.  We made a commitment to pray about this and talk with each other about our concerns.

Over the next few days, I started to be afraid that God does not intend for me to mother anymore children. Afraid that even though it is my greatest wish, He has other plans and that I am going to have to get on board with those and give up my own.  I believe that He has promised I will be a mother, but I am just not sure if His plans look the same as mine.  Does he intend for us to adopt?  Does he intend for us to be foster parents?  Does he intend for us to be a mentor to children who need a loving influence?  I don’t know.  But, I want to know and I hate not knowing what His plans are for me.  It makes me feel lost, alone, scared.

There is an orange juice commercial on TV that reminds me of how I wish my life would go.  This gal wakes up in the morning and is sitting at the breakfast table with a group of people that she will encounter throughout her day.  She asks them what her day is going to look like.  They each start to rattle off all kinds of obstacles that she will face that day (parking ticket, son in trouble at school, etc.) and she says she is glad she had her orange juice before she has to face them.   She is prepared.

I wish that God would do that for me.  I wish he would give me a list, since I love lists, of all the things that I will have to face.  Then, I can prepare for them.  I can drink my orange juice (read my Bible, pray, fast, whatever it takes to get my mind ready to face tragedies).   I can get on board with His plan and abandon my own.

But, I know that is not realistic.  I know that He wants me to simply trust in Him and be submitted to His will.  He has not promised me that life will be easy, but He has promised me that He will stand by me no matter what comes my way.  He wants me to have my “orange juice” every day whether or not I know I am going to have a tough day.  He wants me to be constantly “drinking my orange juice.”

A week or so before the procedure, I realized that I needed prayer.  I was starting to freak out a little bit and so at God’s leading, I asked for prayer from a few family and friends.  Surprisingly, speaking my fears out loud helped me to feel much more at peace.  I was able to come to the realization that even if I did have cancer, even if I had to have a hysterectomy, that it would be okay.  When I come to a place that I feel I can’t possibly go on, that there is no way I can face the future, He is there for me one more day.  I never thought I would survive losing Angel, couldn’t stand the thought of facing it, but here I am more than three months later…surviving.  This, this CANCER thing, I can face this too if I have to.

I really wasn’t that nervous about having the procedure done.   I was more nervous about having to wait for the results.  Arturo came with me for the colposcopy.  They first did a pregnancy test to make sure that it was okay to go ahead with the test.  That was negative 🙂 😦 (not really sure how that makes me feel) and so she was able to proceed.  She did three biopsies and told me that there was nothing that looked really bad, but she just wanted to be overly cautious.  I left her office feeling relieved the procedure was over and anxious about the results.

Waiting for the results didn’t turn out to be as daunting of a task as I had originally thought it would be.  It crossed my mind every once in awhile, but I didn’t feel super nervous about it.  I was feeling at peace.  I was really able to trust that God was taking care of this.  Plus, I was keeping busy with all my Christmas projects.  I was baking, decorating, buying presents, wrapping presents, planning holiday meals, etc.  Life moved forward.

So, on the morning of December 28, Arturo and I went to the Doctor for my results.  After waiting for an hour, the Doctor came in and told us that it was good news!  NO CANCER!  Praise God!  So, we made a plan to move forward and left there with smiles on our faces.

I have decided that while my Doctor is the slowest moving Doctor on the planet…she is always, always, always late…I am so thankful that I have her.  I am so thankful that she is thorough and that she is overly-cautious.  I am thankful that she helped us in our quest to get pregnant.  I am thankful that when she knew there was a problem with Angel, she was able to admit that it was too big of a problem for her and she sent me on to a specialist.  I am thankful that she has still continued to keep me in her care and wants to help us in whatever way we want her to as we move forward.

I told Arturo that whenever he comes with me to the Doctor, we leave with good news and when he doesn’t come with is when the worst things happen.  So from now on, he has to come to every single one of my Doctor appointments.    I know that probably isn’t realistic, but I wish it was.  I am so thankful for him too.  He got off work at 6:00 am.  My appointment was at 9:30 am.  I told him he didn’t have to come, but he wanted to.  He was there with me until 10:30 am.  Then, he went home to sleep and back to work at 4:00 pm.  What a great guy.

So, with this behind me, I feel confident that we can move forward.  I do not know what God has in store for us as parents, how He intends that to look, but I at least know that I am still physically able to mother children.  For that, I am grateful.

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