As of right now, Angel is going to be born on October 4th. I imagine this day going one of two ways.
I first imagine that Angel will surprise everyone. All these months, while the Doctors have all been telling us that Angel will die shortly after birth, I have been holding out hope for a different scenario. My greatest hope is that Angel will prove them all wrong. I imagine that shortly after Angel is born, a whole team of Doctors and nurses will begin a short examination of Angel, so that they can put Angel in my arms for the small amount of time they expect us to have. But, instead of them finding things to be exactly as they thought, they will not be able to find anything wrong with Angel. Angel will be a crying, healthy baby. The crying alone will shock them since they are not expecting Angel’s lungs to develop. Upon closer examination, they will not be able to find anything wrong with our baby. They will be whispering amongst themselves, while I will be anxiously awaiting them to tell me what is wrong. Their whispers will make me wonder if things are worse than what they originally thought. After a few minutes, that will seem like hours, one of the Doctors will turn to me and tell me that Angel is completely healthy and they do not know how to explain it. A nurse will come put Angel in my arms as I tell them all that I can explain it. God healed Angel. Angel is a miracle. It will turn what potentially would have been the worst day of my life into the happiest day of my life. I will spend the next couple hours holding Angel, kissing Angel, singing to Angel, introducing Angel to grandparents and maybe even letting someone besides me hold Angel. Well, they might have to pry the baby from me, but I will try to share. I am sure Arturo will be the first one to win that battle, followed closely by my mom. But, I will also be anxious for the next few hours, wondering if I can fully trust this miracle, wondering if there truly is nothing wrong. I will probably spend many years wondering if Angel will really be okay and forget to completely trust in Jesus to take care of Angel. I will have to fight these feelings of uneasiness probably for the rest of my life.
I have known all this time that Angel is a fighter. The Doctor told me I probably wouldn’t feel Angel move. I am constantly feeling Angel move. Sometimes, Angel’s movements are rhythmic, like baby is dancing in there or something fun. This makes me think that Angel is filled with a joy that I cannot completely comprehend.
Now let me be completely real about how I expect to handle scenario number two. I imagine that all my worst fears will be realized on October 4th. I fear that Angel will not even make it out of the womb alive and that when I am finally able to hold my baby, Angel will already be dead. I also worry that if Angel is still alive, I will only get a few moments and that Angel will die in my arms. I am not sure which situation would be worse, but I imagine my reaction to either situation to be about the same. I expect to be a complete hysterical wreck. I imagine myself to lose all the composure that I have held onto during these months of carrying Angel in my womb. For the past few months, while I have managed to smile and laugh and still enjoy life, I cannot figure out how I will ever be able to do any of these things again. All the strength that people see in me now will be gone forever. If I lose Angel, I will most likely lose my mind. I cannot imagine how I can survive this. I imagine all areas of my life to completely fall apart. I expect to be angry, bitter. I will have to constantly fight feelings of being completely alone. I imagine that I will revert to my old self in many ways and I will push away everyone who loves me.
I wish my brain didn’t work like this. I wish I didn’t expect to go crazy. I guess I just don’t have very much faith in myself to be able to handle a tragedy of this magnitude. Right now, people see strength in me and I guess that is because I still have hope. I have been able to continue to function because Angel is still alive. Sure, I have times where I feel lost, confused, and angry, but it doesn’t last for too long because I remember there is nothing to be sad about. So, for now, I continue to hold out hope that October 4th will be the happiest day of my life. But, if it’s not…well…of that I am terrified.
babyangel 
I pray that Angel does prove all of the doctors wrong and lives a long and happy life with you and your family! He is already a beautiful miracle.
God forbid, the doctors are right, and sweet baby Angel goes to be with Jesus…I pray that you surprise yourself and are eventually able to find hope in the life that lies before you. I know from experience that it’s hard…harder than anything you will ever face. There will definitely be a time of shock, disbelief and incredible pain but eventually the shock and disbelief will go away. Unfortunately, the pain will remain and there is nothing you can do to erase it. But it will lessen, little by little as time goes by. As hard as it is, you have to believe, no matter what happens, that God has a plan for you, your family, and for baby Angel…and that you are already an inspiration to so so many people. You may not even know how many peoples hearts you have touched!
Being strong doesn’t always mean you smile through pain, laugh during hard times, or show constant grace and control at your darkest moments….it means you somehow make it out on the other side, even if it isn’t easy. And I have faith that our God will help you through this! Praying for you always, Amanda!
I admire you so much for how you have lived on after loss. You inspire me and I pray to have as much strength as you have.
Thank you so much for supporting me during this time and for reaching out to me.
I continue to think of you and pray for you also.
I do not believe you will use it. OH you are right not to have confidence in yourself but the same God who has been sustaining you will sustain you through whatever happens on Oct. 4 or before or after that date for that matter.
That is very true. Thanks dad.
Amanda i also dream of the first senerio for you, your husband, and your precious Angel. I honestly do:) i pray for you daily and i agree with everything becca has to say. If things do happen no one excepts you to hold ur life togethee you just need to remember to hold people close and not to push them away.
You say you feel Angel move around with joy, and thats because that precious baby feels and hears your love everyday. I can imagine the sweet lullabies you sing to your baby with that angelic voice of yours. If you havent read heaven is for real its a book i think you would take great conmfort in. As always your in my prayers and i love you:)
Thanks Monica. Love you.
Amanda I know we have never met, however I have been praying for baby Angel for sometime now. Although I did not have a name, other than the grandchild of Jarvis, God knows who I have been praying for. Now I can specificaly pray for baby Angel.
My daughter was told with her last pregancy that she should abort because she would never deliver a live baby. She told the doctor that she could not take the life of a baby that God had created within her and we all gave it to God in prayer continually. Baby Faith Joy was born Dec. 18th with a few health issues, but she is alive and doing well thus far. And we give God all the glory for this.
My daughter also knows the pain of losing a baby as her first baby died in the womb just 2 days before her due date in June 2005. It was heart wrenching for sure for all of us, however we felt that peace that only God can provide, the peace that passes all understanding.
My prayers for baby Angel will be that God would grant you a miracle of a live and healthy baby. I know for a fact that God is still in the miracle businness and I am claiming one in Jeasu name for Angel.
Thank you for your prayers. We so appreciate them. Thank you also for sharing with me about your daughter and the loss and joy you have all faced. I pray too for peace, that no matter what happens, that I would have peace.
2 things I know: 1- I know that you write from the heart and you should publish or at least share with others in your same situation your words. Seriously, Amanda, you have a gift of sharing your thoughts, joys, fears, etc. You need to continue to do this because whatever your feeling is expressed so sincerely it will help others. And the 2 – God will carry you – and He will be threre along with all the others in your life—– sweetie, never lose that faith.
Thank you Arlette. Writing this is helping me so much. I am blessed to know if it is helping others too. I am relying on that, God will carry me.
Amanda, I totally understand how you feel if the #2 comes. Remember Angel would want her mom and dad to keep fighting, her love and memories that you have will be treasured forever. Knowing you, you have made it thru many tough hills in your life. Angel will be there for you helping you fight for the journey that the Lord has for mom,dad,and angel. All your friends and family are praying for Angel to be healthy and mom too, remember we are all here for you guys. Love ya
Thanks Lori 🙂